The McClane Tirade

Unlikely Friendships

2011-06-14T23:39:00.014-04:00

Friendship is a powerful, powerful thing, readers.

As our Tirade 4th Year Anniversary Month rages on, I thought it might be nice to write about friendship. Everybody knows all the usual stuff... the timelessness and love and sharing and all that jazz. But I'm not talking about that kind of friendship. No, I'm talking about the friendship between giant elephants and dogs. Between pit bulls, Siamese cats and tiny chickens. Between snakes and hamsters. Between a freakin' white rhino and a billy goat.

While this sounds like a rejected Disney movie script found in a dumpster behind the J.C. Penney, let me assure you that it's not. Even I can't make this stuff up, bud. And I make up some pretty ridiculous shit.

All the team-ups above and 43 other wacky animal relationships can be found in a new book called "Unlikely Friendships" by Jennifer S. Holland.

Check out this cover:

Yeah. That's a monkey clutching a bird like I clutch an ice-cold Bud Light in the middle of July. Seriously, that monkey has a white-knuckle grip on that bird like it's about to fly to freakin' Mars. No, really... that bird has every intention of flying into space... and that monkey is only holding it back.

Hasn't that monkey ever heard the expression, "if you love something, let it go?" I know it's hard to let go of your friend, but when your buddy has his sights set on perching his razor-sharp talons on some radioactive moon rock, you gotta respect his wishes.

Really... what do you think that monkey could ever say to talk that bird into not hauling balls into deep space? The look of determination on the bird's face says it all. It's a look that says, "we shared a friendship that will be echoed in eternity, but now it's time to get it on with hundreds of space alien birds beyond the stars."

Will he make it, readers? Will that monkey ever find a friend as compassionate and empathetic as that space astronaut pigeon? We'll never know, guys. We'll never know.

Anyway, this book will melt your brains like a bored 10-year-old boy scorches ants with a magnifying glass. The photography is simply unbelievable, and the stories behind the photos are all mind numbing.

Jennifer Holland better buckle up, because when this book hits the shelves with a vengeance, Pixar or Dreamworks or one of those Hollywood studios will be smashing through her doors and windows like a renegade SWAT team. They won't even need a warrant signed by a judge. Seriously. Holland is going to be enjoying a nice glass of wine, opening fan letters and watching some Wonder Years reruns when the Hollywood executives splinter her door open like Paul Bunyan turns a 50-foot-tall redwood tree into freakin' sawdust.

Let me put it this way: there's a chapter in here about a red panda sucking on the teets of a hilarious-looking dog. Seriously, this dog is your classic Heinz 57 kind of animal. Who knows what the hell kind of breed it is? Either way, there's a red panda attached to its boobs like a runaway vacuum cleaner sucking the hell out of a tattered Egyptian rug.

There's another story about a blind mutt who has his very own seeing-eye cat. If that isn't the makings of an award-winning cartoon mystery show, I don't know what is. I'll tell you what else: you'd cry at the end of every episode. And if you don't, you're not even human.

One of my very favorite chapters, however, is the massive skull-crushing gorilla and the tiny newborn kitten. Just looking at the photos of this dynamic duo will inspire you to not only befriend every gorilla you've ever met, but also take a firm stance on not savagely biting the head off of every kitten you've ever held.

Every chapter has detailed stories behind these nature-slapping animal mash-ups, and even little infographics about how each species compares to each other. The only thing missing is a handy chart explaining what would happen if the animals moved in together in a small New York apartment on the East side. We're talking some serious Emmy-award-winning stuff here, people.

Everything would be going great between Kyle, the asiatic black bear and Eddie, the black house cat, when Eddie accidentally leaves his half-full, opened milk carton behind the TV after adjusting the cable on the X-Box one night. Can you imagine how bad that apartment would be smelling after a solid week in August? And you know Kyle would be all penny-pinching and not turn on the air conditioning. It takes forever to get a smell like that out of there.

What about when Sheena, the optimistic & sheltered cocker spaniel from the South, is thrown together with "Coach" Paul Featherstone, the sharp-tounged, hard-headed & pessimistic owl from the Bronx? You see a sure-fire recipe for disaster... I see two roommates, a zany rhino landlord and next-door-neighbor honeybadger who'll last for six straight seasons on network and a solid seven years in syndication.

In closing, I highly recommend this book. The photography is unbelievable and the stories will bring tears to your eyes and a sparkle to your heart. If you're into that sort of thing. If you're not, consider ordering this book instead for a nice Sunday read.

Besides, who the hell wouldn't want a picture of a baby monkey steel-gripping a space pigeon on your coffee table?

Order up here!

-M

Remembering Year One

2011-06-12T18:29:00.004-04:00

Hey blog fans,

Did you know The Tirade's 4th year anniversary is coming up?

I didn't either, but the corpse of Joan Rivers visited me last night in a dream and reminded me that it's happening this month. She's dead, right?

What? No? You sure? Seriously?

Oh, okay, well the corpse of Kenny Rogers visited me in a dream last night and reminded me that it's throwing down this month.

Check out this post from the first anniversary... what started as magic stew and dead gypsies quickly turned into Waffle House mayhem.

Re-visit the first anniversary!

Happy Anniversary Month, readers.

All four of you.

-M

How about that left lane?

2011-06-08T17:23:00.007-04:00

I'm not a big fan of driving.

Some people want tubes, some want flying cars, Star Trek transporter machines or even those big pod things that Jeff Goldblum used to accidentally turn himself into the card-carrying, wall-crawling, stomach-turning captain of the leprosy task force in The Fly.

Personally, I just want people to get the hell out of the way. Your favorite MC, Ludacris, wrote a pretty accurate and undeniably important track called "MOVE" a few years ago, and I'm confident that as long as cars still exist, that song will be extremely relevant.

It's a really simple concept that I've noticed 90% of truckers have figured out. You use the right-hand lane to cruise... and if you need to, move to the left-hand lane to pass. You'd think that shit would be as simple as opening a can of soup or kissing somebody on the mouth, but unfortunately for me and other annoyed drivers, it's seemingly as complicated as defeating a Rubik's Cube blindfolded or getting a good acting performance out of Nicolas Cage. It's possible, but there are only a few human beings on the planet who can pull it off. Hell, David Blaine sold his soul to the devil to figure out those kinds of conundrums.

Anyway, so I've noticed lately that people love that left-hand lane. Except they don't love it for passing other cars. No, they love it for looking at birds, counting pine trees, telling hilarious stories about last night's keg party or gratuitous (albeit hilarious) stories about all the times they've had sex with a barnyard animal and NOT gotten caught.

These people absolutely suck.

I can clearly see that rearview mirror. But yet... they treat that rearview mirror the same way an ex-high-school-football-superstar father treats his late-blooming, Dungeons and Dragons-playing son: like it doesn't even freakin' exist. If these people were to just barely glance into that mirror with their peripheral vision, they could see a vehicle behind them who'd like nothing more than to just get home. This vehicle is probably right up on their ass by this point. This driver behind them is probably waving their arms in a "get the hell out of my way" motion. Instead of helping out a fellow human being traveller by simply moving their steering wheel an inch to the right... they'd rather do 50 in a 70 and talk about the newest recipe for carrot cake that Martha Stewart mentioned last year, how much they agree with Bob Barker's latest stance on spaying their cat, or even better: zone completely out like a f'n driving corpse.

Then... there are those people out there who do this just for fun.

Last night I was traveling home on an easy 2 1/2 hour drive. I encountered what seemed like 50 of these drivers, but the most hilarious was this giant black SUV. These guys were doing the speed limit, sure. But they were cruising along in the left lane, holding up myself and the four other cars behind me who wanted desperately to get by. When the SUV got in the clear, instead of changing lanes to let everyone else by... they just stay right in that lovely left lane.

From here it's a struggle of willpower. Who will give in first? Will I move to the right-hand lane and pass them? Will they be courteous and move out of the way?

I just decided to ride their ass until they moved into the clear right-hand lane. Was I being a dick?

Probably.

But why couldn't they just move their steering wheel one inch to the right and help a guy out?

After a minute or two, I broke down and moved to the right lane to pass the bastards. However, when I did... they speeded up. I speeded up. Soon we were side-by-side doing 90 miles per hour. When I hit 95, I thought to myself... this is hilarious. But when I let off the gas and coasted back down to 80, so did they. I half expected the dark, tinted windows to roll down, revealing an AK-47 or at least a brick from some sidewalk.

But there was nothing. Then something even more hilarious happened... they actually ran into another dumbass riding at 60 in the left-hand lane. They got busted by their own maneuver. Luckily they took the next exit and I went home both bullet- and brick-free.

I can totally understand how this thing happens; I have a few theories:

1. The night before their trip, the ghost of one of their dead ancestors appeared to them in some dream and explained in detail how their entire family history was built on being douchebags. Now it's up to THEM to carry on the douchebag tradition by screwing with tired travelers and regular andrenaline-pumping dudes rushing their screaming, water-breaking pregnant wives to the hospital.

2. When they took the Driver's Education class in high school, they probably didn't learn much from the jaded, chip-on-shoulder, balding mid-life-crisis instructor who's wife just left him for a guy who doesn't cry during sex or get angry every time his wife used the phrase, "this toilet has been broken for the last month; can you take your dick out of your hand, put down the Victoria's Secret catalog and fix this thing?"

One trip out on the town with this guy will have every 16 year old in the school turning without signaling, doing 30 in the left-hand lane and smashing deliberately into every single BMW convertible driven by a guy who may or may not have slept with his wife last night.

3. Not only did they cheat on the driver's license exam, they hired an illegal immigrant day laborer to put on a wig and pose as them while they had sex with one of those barnyard animals I mentioned earlier. And let me clarify even more: unprotected sex with one of those barnyard animals I mentioned earlier.

4. The car is actually a robot and the person inside is a hologram. A hologram who has regular unprotected sex with one of those barnyard animals I mentioned earlier.

I'm sure you can come up with a hundred more theories about this phenomenon, but those are the first ones that popped into my head.

Let's cut down to brass tax here, people. That left lane is for passing. That right lane is for cruising. If somebody speeds up behind you, let's face it, it's not your job to slow them down. It's your job to get the hell out of the way and enjoy those birds, pine trees and dreaming of eating human flesh in the OTHER lane.

I write a blog post about it.

But some other guy might have guns.

Or bricks.

Drive safe, readers.

-M

New and Improved! Also: Catch Up!

2011-06-05T15:24:00.006-04:00

Hey blog fans,

Today I launched an all-new design for my Home Page, Twitter Account and this blog. Next I'm going to re-design my face to look more and more like Burt Reynolds.

That one may take a while, but I assure you that my diligent team of scientists I keep in my basement will crack the code sooner than later, and then I'll finally be able to set up my Playgirl Magazine photo shoot. I've been putting that off way, way too long.

Anyway, take a look around and enjoy the new digs. I know I haven't been here a while, so I thought I'd fill you in on a few things that've been keeping me busy over the last few months.

1. I tried my hand at gymnastics, but I was way too agile, fast and muscular for it to pose any kind of challenge at all, so that one didn't last very long. Maybe a few days at most before I'd mastered pretty much everything. I even invented some of my own moves and techniques. The next time you see some guy suspended on some Olympic ring things, see if he swings around so fast that his penis gets smashed up against the top bar like two subway trains colliding. If he's able to do THAT, then he's mastered my moves.

2. I hiked the Appalachian Trail pretty much three times. The third time, however, was so easy for me that I went ahead and forged my own trail from some mountain in West Virginia all the way to The Rockies. Along this trail, I had all kinds of wacky adventures and met all kinds of people. The most hilarious being some hitchhiker named Keith that apparently was on some kind of serial killer rampage across Kansas. He carried around this severed hand, and every time we'd pass somebody, he'd wave that hand around like a drunken sorority girl riding a mechanical bull.

3. I survived The Rapture.

4. While traveling through Central America on an international manhunt, I learned a ton of lessons from this old chief man who lived deep inside a dark and deadly cave. He taught me about humility... valor... and love. I later discovered that this crazy son of a bitch was actually just a hollowed-out tree. And Central America was just some woods behind the Food Lion.

5. I did like 100 sheets of acid.

6. I wrote probably four novels, but waited until my fifth one to get it published. The book publishing guys told me it was actually TOO good to publish. They told me that if the public were to read this book, our entire society would become nearly 80% more intelligent. Unfortunately for me, the oil tycoons also run the publishing companies, and they refused to let such a book be thrown out to the masses. If the world's population were to become smart enough, the people of the world could overthrow them somehow. Probably with sharp knives or other stabbing weapons. So no dice on my book, readers.

7. Teaser trailer for the book: it's about a power struggle between Katy Perry's right and left breast. The ultimate story of two "frenemies" who're torn apart by man's greed and woman's jealousy. I've got Kiefer Sutherland lined up for the audiobook.

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But now I'm finally back, and it's nice to see everybody again. Hopefully it won't be another six months before another post. Enjoy the new layout and leave me some feedback sometime. Hearing from you would make me happier than the time I saved that old woman from being killed in the Bi-Lo parking lot by all those runaway shopping carts.

Cheers!

-M

Easter came pretty early this year.

2011-01-06T10:16:00.005-05:00

Hey blog team action force,

My friend Tommy sent over a link the other day that wrecked my life. The guys at CRACKED (specifically Maxwell Yezpitelock & M. Asher Cantrell) put together one of the most interesting and amazing story packages I've seen.

These guys somehow tracked down 10 of the most insanely brilliant Easter Eggs ever hidden in famous albums by various awesome artists.

CLICK HERE FOR EASTER EGG INSANITY.

From two aliens talking by radio as they approach Earth on Jimi Hendrix's Are You Experienced to assembling TOOL tracks to form a larger and different mega-song like Vultron, this article will rock your socks off.

Hell, actually, it'll rock your whole sock drawer off.

My favorite on the list? Radiohead. Check out their "Decade-Spanning Secret Album" section which will wring all the fluid out of your brain like a dishrag, leaving you completely shriveled and most likely retarded for the rest of your life.

A small excerpt:

There's a way to combine the tracks from OK Computer (hereinafter referred to as 01) and In Rainbows (hereinafter referred to as 10), to form one huge mega-album. As Puddlegum explains, "To create the 01 and 10 playlist, begin with OK Computer's track one, "Airbag," and follow this with In Rainbow's track one, "15 Step." Alternate the albums, track by track, until you reach "Karma Police" on OK Computer, making "All I Need" the tenth track on the 01 and 10 playlist." It's not that they sound nice together; it's that these songs were definitely meant to make us shit our pants when played like this. In the way that "Golden Slumbers," "Carry That Weight" and "The End" all flow into each other on The Beatles' Abbey Road, these songs all flow into one another as well, as if they were all recorded in one big session.

I created an iTunes playlist to see how this whole thing works, and yeah–unbelievable.

Cracked, I salute you once again.

Hailing to the Thief,

-Thom York

P.S. Speaking of Radiohead and having your brain dismantled, I'd be a lame blogger guy if I didn't also include a link to Chuck Klosterman's theory about the Kid A album predicting 9/11. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Hello 2011! Or...How Facebook Can Take a Long Walk Off a Short Pier.

2011-01-05T11:19:00.009-05:00

Readers, if it came down to a lifetime supply of free hot dogs or you, I'd take you.

But barely.

So happy 2011, right? Here we go into another year of hilarity, chaos, death, sweet love, mayhem, hope, destruction, genius, awesomeness, crazy technology, aliens, hovercrafts and possibly even Armageddon. And also more giant snakes, more Friday the 13th films on Netflix's "Watch Instantly" and more screaming Arnold Schwarzenegger one-liners.

In: "We've got to get out of here!!"

5 Minutes Ago: "What's got Billy so spooked?!?"

Out: "Get to the Chopper!!"

Face it, folks, life will be a-okay in 2011. I'd typically write some big blog post about what's going on in my life, or my big prediction for how my life will go in 2011, or my opinions on how cool 2010 was. I'd usually sum it up with some "top 10" list of some kind, or talk about my resolutions for the new year.

Truthfully, though, how many of you weirdos out there really give a damn?

(Editor's note: If that just brought a tear to your eye and filled your heart with pain, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it, baby. I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I know you care about me, honey. It's just that sometimes I get so fired up inside... I just get so passionate that sometimes I forget about the consequences of hurting my readers' feelings. I'll tell you what... I'll buy you some nice flowers later and buy you some sort of catfish dinner or something and you'll forget all about it, okay? You like shiny diamonds? I can totally get you some of those. I'm gonna be honest with you, though, they're most likely going to be fake. I can't really afford real diamonds for all of you [all three people who actually read this blog], but I bet I can find a pretty good deal on fake plastic ones somewhere. I bet Hobby Lobby has some good ones.)

Anyway, that leads me to my next point... social media.

My single new year's resolution in 2011 is to terminate my Facebook profile and steer clear of that site for the entire year.

I actually did this at the end of 2010, but all you crack addicts out there who are reading this (and are probably simultaneously thinking about stealing the computer you're reading this on to pawn for even more crack) can testify to how hard it is to kick the Facebook habit. I'm pretty sure they'll eventually have group meetings about this kind of thing, and there will be a whole new branch of specialist psychologists specifically trained in handling terrifying social media addictions.

Where did this all start?

Around the time that the consumer-accessible dial-up AOL modem became all the rage, I was in my last years of high school. There was nothing more brilliant, beautiful and thrilling than sitting down at your computer and hearing the amazing sound of two pissed off, screaming retarded birds getting smashed in between the grinding-brakes of a train crash while aluminum-foil robots make obnoxious sex noises on a static-filled walkie-talkie radio.

That sound meant only one thing: absolute non-stop chat room mayhem.

There you were... a total mystery person on a computer, talking to other mystery people on their computers across the world. The amazing woman you were talking to (and dead-set believing that she's your ultimate soulmate in China or Brazil or something) could possibly be a 70-year-old pedophile with an awesome mustache and even more awesome pants. With a sock puppet roommate who loves Marx Brothers movies.

(Editor's note: If you're reading this blog, Luv4U2SpankMe69 and LuciousBlonde34DDD, just know that I knew all along that you were 75-year-old sex crime pervert dudes, but I still loved you both so much for your tired-but-witty love of early 80's Garfield cartoons and our mutual love of Pearl Jam's "Vs.")

Anyway, I never actually had a modem, internet connection or AOL at my house because my mom was always convinced that the whole world would sneak in through our phone lines and steal our stuff, or secrets or identities somehow. She probably saw a late-night showing of Wes Craven's SHOCKER, or had an inherent fear of technology after a certain James Cameron masterpiece mystified the planet.

I was always so frustrated with her. Why in the hell could Billy Boner down the road talk to 70-year-old sex addict perverts and I couldn't?? Why could my classmate Jane Smith sneak out of her bedroom window to meet mysterious strangers behind the dumpster in the Food City parking lot because she read about a limited-time sale on I.O.U. sweatshirts on an AOL local chat room while I had to make fake machine guns with old scraps from my grandaddy's wood shop?

It all seemed so unfair.

Well folks, as it works with most all things in life, my mother was right.

She was absolutely right. The world really does want our stuff. She was terrified that the whole world would sneak into our home to steal all our information, but who knew that 15 years later, we would be giving the world all our information ourselves? Movie star and gazillionaire Zuckerberg doesn't have to run covert operations to kick in your windows and steal your identity when we happily upload it all for him and save him the trouble of buying more ski masks, cool leather gloves and giant sacks to put all his newfound loot in.

Nobody has to sneak into our bedrooms at night to spy on us anymore. Nobody has to tap our phones to see what we're talking about. Nobody's got to follow us around to see where we go, or what kind of stores we shop in or what kind of music we listen to or what kind of movies we're enjoying... we're happy to tell the entire world all those things and way more.

We give it all away without question... our big, awesome transparent lives.

Why do we tell the world about our every move? Why do we share the intimate details about our lives so openly these days? Why don't we hesitate to tell the planet about how many times we threw up from eating bad chitlins or how we've had such a hard time taking a normal shit this week because of all the secret government cheese our spouse keeps putting in everything? Why the hell do we reveal our location at all times with a GPS tracking system?

I've got some news for you, Thom Matthews... if Jason Voorhees was on Twitter in 1986, you and your iPhone ass would be grass. You think the new Facebook GPS app doesn't know its way around Crystal Lake? You're dead wrong, holmes. Literally.

I could ask these kinds of questions all day long, and you could come up with even more wacky scenarios, I'm sure. I know because I have a list here with about 52 more criticisms of transparent-living status updates. Most of them involve the HIV virus, broken condoms, hemospermia, yeast infections, bug-chasing parties gone horribly, horribly wrong and diligent random Joel Schumacher obsessions.

Anyway, there's 10 billion blogs and articles out there about all this jazz, and I'm sure you've read most of them, Mr. Know-It-All-Expert-Face. We're living in a world that's as sheer as a Kate Middleton dress, and that's just how it is, bud.

Let me ask you some obnoxious (and probably hypocritical) questions: Do you post up the pictures of your action-packed weekend on Facebook to show everybody how much fun you had, or to show people how much better your life is than theirs? Do you post up pictures from last night's party to share with friends or to stick it to your ex's friends to show 'em how awesome your life is now? Those pictures of your living room... are they to give other people cool ideas about how to live their lives, or are you blatantly bragging about how your creativity beats the monkey shit out of theirs?

Hell, I don't know. Just questions for thought, I guess.

Maybe people actually don't give a damn what you write on that thing?

Maybe I do the same kind of shit on this blog. Maybe it's that whole "human nature" business. Maybe it's the space aliens working their puppet magic again. Who knows?

But anyway... just shy of growing a sweet beard and living in a mountain cottage like Arnold Schwarzenegger in COMMANDO (except without Alyssa Milano), what can a guy do to keep a little mystery in his life?

I'm going with the whole "Stay the hell off Facebook" method.

Oh, you still want some McClane transparency, though? Here's some transparency for ya:

I like to be found online, but I don't like to find people. When I DO find people, nine times out of 10, I always wish I hadn't gone looking.

I'm one selfish sumbitch, man. I like to be read and seen because it's kind of fun. I have no idea who the hell is reading this blog, and I like that. I don't want to know who you are. I don't give a damn who you are or what you're doing today. I don't care how awesome your husband is, or how many kids you have. I could care less about your new song obsession, your best meatloaf ever or pictures of your baby's first trip down a massive plastic slide. You complain all day about your flu shot, your phlegm problem, trip to the bank or your tired commentary on the weather... but I'm not reading about it anymore.

You won't find any discriminations on this blog, fool. I don't care if you're Martha Stewart, the president, some shirtless werewolf guy, a maniac painfully rude senile narcissistic ex-boss suffering from blatant alzheimer's disease, Frank Stallone, an ex-girlfriend, the guy who delivered my pizza the other night, DMX or even God himself... I welcome everybody to enjoy the hell out of the Tirade, and I have an equal distaste for your personal information across the board.

If you want to know the secrets of my life, or my newest obsession with making creamsicle milkshakes with Orange Crush and Homemade Breyer's ice cream, visit the Tirade anytime or just send me an email and ask me how many times I've farted in the last three hours. (Editor's note: not more than 15 times.)

It's basically just like I'm back in that AOL chat room in '95, talking to weird, mysterious people across the globe who may or may not be Tom McLoughlin, the director of JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13TH VI. (If you are reading this, Tom: love your work, brother. Glad you gave up on the whole mime thing.)

In a way, this blog is one gigantic Status Update, and that's enough for me.

So, wonderful ex-Facebook friends, if you noticed that I mysteriously vanished from your buddy list, it's not because I hate you or fell victim to one of the 100,000 new rules of bad social media etiquette... it's just because I've had about as much Facebook as I can handle, and 2011 seems a lot better without it.

Strangely liberating, strangely isolating and absolutely human.

Sorry there's no "like" button at the end of this.

-McClane

Best Shop Vac Ever.

2010-12-07T10:21:00.002-05:00

Hey typography fans,

This has got to be one of the best videos I've ever seen.

Shop Vac from Jarrett Heather on Vimeo.

Jarrett Heather, you are not human.

Swarthily yours,

-McClane

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

2010-11-23T21:34:00.002-05:00

Hey turkey fans,

I've posted this video before on The Tirade, but since it's the best re-enactment video of all time, I had to bring it back.

Hope everybody has an awesome holiday!

Thanks to Joe Powell for reminding me how fantastic this video is!

Mucho love-o,

-Pilgrim X

Your Highness!

2010-11-17T11:53:00.001-05:00

Danny McBride, you're winning me over one film at a time.

Once again proving that James Franco is more than human.

Suck your venom!!!!

-M

Silly Ole' Bear

2010-11-12T12:55:00.002-05:00

Hey blog team,

This trailer just made me feel five years old again. If you have a problem with me re-living my youth on an internet blog, I'll stab you with a shiv—probably whittled out of a toothbrush, or tree branch or soap or something.

Have a wonderful weekend, dreamers.

-M

Delicious Toast = Mind Blown

2010-11-10T21:37:00.002-05:00

Hey bread fans,

Only watch this video if you want your brains melted into some kind of awesome pudding or something.

Love it.

-M

Takei = Genius.

2010-11-05T10:40:00.001-04:00

I think this video speaks for itself.

Genius.

-M

Undesigned Web? I dunno...

2010-11-04T21:28:00.002-04:00

Hey design fans,

Yesterday's post about the new "Undesigned Web" trend was pretty interesting stuff... but it looks like Dylan Tweney's essay ruffled a bunch of feathers across the industry. Check this new piece by John Pavlus and witness designers striking back!

-M

Better your Readability

2010-11-03T14:48:00.003-04:00

Hey minimalist fans,

It's no secret that we're diving headfirst into the third phase of the web, and the pros are calling this new wave "The Undesigned Web."

Like it or not, things are getting simpler. Thanks to this new invention that we call an "iPad" (and that people in the 90's call "Skynet"), it's time to start thinking differently about the way we consume information via the internets.

Example? A little application called "Readability."

This little system has completely changed the way I read my news in the morning. No clutter, just smooth information.

"But Matt," you may say, "a good RSS feed (and my bitch butler named Rosenthol) have made reading the internet simpler and better for years." That may be true, but Readability is super customizable based on design. Just decide what kind of font, size and style you'd like to see and Readability will magically transform any page into your pre-selected look.

Make life simpler and embrace the Undesigned Web. It's totally here whether you (or me being an actual designer) like it or not.

-M

How a writin' spider could change your life

2010-10-28T19:32:00.006-04:00

Hey arachnid fans,

The one good thing I actually have liked about the fall season has always been the spiders. When I was a kid, my grandad and I used to walk for miles through the country hunting down garden spiders in a contest to see who could find the most.

I'd always win for some reason.

Recently on a trip back to the home farm, I spotted a fantastic one on the corner of our barn. I was able to zoom in and get a few cool shots with its egg sack:

Unfortunately, she had already torn down her awesome web in preparation to die. She did, however, leave her trademark egg sack full of a zillion tiny spiders for next year (Charlotte's Web style, sucka), so eat that for Christmas dinner, spider haters.

Argiope aurantia, or your common Garden Spider, kicks ass and takes names. You can learn more about 'em right here if you're not a scientist already. (If you want to be a scientist, kids, you should do two things: 1. Read more of The Tirade for awesome scientist ideas and 2. Find some school or something that teaches you to be a scientist.)

As you'll learn, these things create a very distinct web with a zig-zag code in the center called a stabilimentum.

This is where even the scientists are baffled. There's all kinds of debate about what this weird writing actually means. Growing up, we always called these things "Writin' Spiders" because of the cryptic words written in the center of their webs. As the legend tells, if you see your name in the center of a Writin' Spider's web, you're gonna die. And probably burn in hell. For eternity, bud.

There's lots of other legends involving this code. Some say if you spot your name in a garden spider's web:

1. You're most likely going to win the lottery and/or some kind of drawing for something awesome.

2. You'll spontaneously change sexes.

3. You'll finally be able to grow hair in that spot you've always wanted hair in. For some guys it's the back of the skull, for others it's sideburns. For some it's the chest area, so that maximum Burt-Reynolds-man-powers can finally be realized.

4. You're going to meet the woman or man of your dreams only to find out later that they're some kind of alien, robot or animal that's passing itself off as a human. In some type of really awesome mask. (Not like that guy from Men in Black, though... more like Natasha Henstridge in Species.)

5. You're going to be crushed by a meteor.

6. Your fear of spiders will finally be overcome, only to be replaced by a fear of hispanic maids.

7. Your appendix will burst in a ball of consuming, relentless hellfire.

8. You won't get into heaven.

9. You'll turn into a werewolf during the next full moon. Or every time you get pissed off. Or every time you get hot. Or every time you eat a hot dog.

10. You'll finally make it to and beat the very last level of Donkey Kong.

11. At some point during the next few days, an octopus will hunt and kill you.

12. You'll go blind, but your other senses will be jacked up to superhuman levels. For example, masturbation will feel more awesome than it's ever felt in your entire life.

13. You'll suddenly find that you can mentally communicate with animals. (Editor's note: this is actually not as cool as it sounds. Just because you can communicate with something doesn't mean it's going to not kill you, eat you alive or beat you to death. Take it from me, as soon as the animals figure out that you've discovered their plans for the day they take back the Earth... your ass is grass and the Anaconda in your back yard is the lawn mower.)

14. You'll finally finish that screenplay, sell it to the Weinsteins, and watch as your creation and idea is brutally dismantled and bastardized by Hollywood executives. Afterwards, you'll be sucked into a world of alcoholism, corrupt private detectives and gonorrhea.

15. One word: hematospermia. Very, very intense hematospermia.

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I'm sure you can think of hundreds of other wives' tales, but those are the main ones that come to mind.

Take time to celebrate the garden spider, folks, and pay close attention to that web. It might be a message that could change your life... or the top-secret code to eternal youth. Or a bunch of awesome zig-zag patterns that make the web more visible so you won't accidentally walk head-on into it, risking a Writin' Spider face attack.

Bobbin' and weavin',

-Wilbur

P.S. All this talk about spiders made me remember this really incredible scientific study that was done in the 70's about 'em. Check this video, man. The results could blow your mind.

Caterpillar Weather Radar

2010-10-27T21:22:00.003-04:00

Attention: people who hate winter as much as me:

I was running around in a field last weekend and spotted a pretty awesome sign from God, so I had to take a few photos:

According to this extremely dangerous, poisonous, vicious animal pictured above, our winter is going to be a mild one all the way through. For you weirdos and idiots out there who don't know this old-but-awesome wives' tale, this page can help.

The lighter the caterpillar, the lighter winter, and we're looking pretty damn good here:

Thanks for the head's up, big guy. I'm a happy man.

-M

Cumberland Bridges

2010-10-27T21:02:00.002-04:00

Hey ramblers, let's get ramblin'.

So lately I've been obsessed with the Cumberland Trail, which gets its start on Signal Mountain in Chattanooga. On the first short leg of the hike, there's a series of interesting bridges that I, for some reason, got obsessed with.

I decided to take a whole ton of random bridge photos showcasing my favorite parts.

Dig in, sucka:

Happy trails, readers.

-McClane

Pumpkin Carvin' with a .45

2010-10-27T18:37:00.004-04:00

Hey Halloween fans,

As our favorite holiday gets closer and closer, lots of people out there are coming up with newer and better ways to carve a mean Jack-O-Lantern. Check out this crazy bastard's technique:

Works for me.

-M

Do you give a rip about Alabama?

2010-10-27T17:16:00.004-04:00

Hey Agriculture Commissioner fans,

Check out the best campaign ad I've ever seen:

Steer clear of those thugs and criminals.

-M

Autumn Blues

2010-10-27T15:23:00.008-04:00

Hey blog champions!

Well, fall is in the air and so is my hatred of fall being in the air. If there's one thing that pisses me off, it's some lame cold weather. Let's face the facts: we've got one or two weeks of pretty colors on trees, and then everything around us dies in a slow, drawn-out death sequence.

There's nothing better than watching every living thing in nature wither, dry up, break down, lose all its personality & charm and ultimately shut down completely.

Sad but true: Autumn is nature's nursing home.

I know a lot of you don't agree with me... seems like fall is everybody's favorite season these days. I can empathize. I enjoy watching hard-core horror films where people are cut up, stabbed and in some cases, slowly die in torturous scenarios. Fall is sort of like that. Jason Voorhees likes to hang dead bodies up in trees, in doorways, rooftops, etc... you probably love to hang gigantic bundles of dead corn stalks right in your front yard.

What's up with people putting big ass hay bales in their yards with all that dead corn anyway? Don't get me wrong; I'm all about coming up with newer and better ways for farmers to make money, but that's hilarious. Growing up on the farm back home, we had an endless supply of dead corn stalks and dried up, old hay... if I'd known I could sell a bunch of dead corn and make a ton of cash every year when I was a kid, I would have been an f'n billionaire by now. Sorry to be a Monday-morning corn quarterback... dead-straw-hay-bales hindsight is 20/20, you know.

Beyond all that dead stuff, we've got the cold. Autumn is also nature's bright yellow do-not-cross crime scene tape, telling us that busted weather is ahead. Of course, people like you just use some scissors to cut through that tape and walk straight into the winter crime scene.

I'm always happy to warn you, but you never listen. I'm just like Crazy Ralph, actually.

You know when you actually DO listen, though? Right after the New Year and there's nothing to look forward to except car-paint-wrecking salted roads, endless cabin fever and the shame of having your car pulled out of some snowy ditch by a hilarious redneck guy named Buck and his monster-sized 4x4 Ford pickup.

But never fear, faithful reader, I'm not all doom and gloom. There are some things you can do to ease the pain of the fall season wrecking your life. Here's a list that can save us all from the horrific 40-degree trauma of October:

1. Put yourself into suspended animation somehow, probably with the use of some kind of chamber, or carbonite or ice or something, until Spring. You know a good place to start learning how to do this? The brilliant 90's blockbuster Demolition Man. They froze the hell out of Stallone in the beginning of that movie, and you can do it too. With some old fashioned hard work and ingenuity. And science.

2. Create some kind of awesome virtual reality space suit to wear around all the time. From the outside it looks like an intimidating cyborg exoskeleton (to keep the thugs and criminals off your back), and on the inside, you'll see nothing but beautiful sunny skies, gorgeous green yards and flowering fauna. Hell, even Buck and his 4x4 will look like a stunning supermodel in a bikini holding a shovel with an orchid in his hair. It won't mask his voice, though, so you'll have to be prepared for that. Halle Berry's body with Tom Waits' vocals? Sounds like the beauty of technology to me.

3. Finally wrap up the plans for your robot clone to handle all the winter crap while you take a vacation to some place warm & awesome like Costa Rica, Jamaica or Mars. No money to travel? Heh, that's never stopped you before, has it? Let me recommend selling a bunch of narcotics in your spare time that you've stolen from your local Walgreens or CVS. Wondering how to steal the narcotic drugs? It's best to craft a plan involving a bunch of clown masks, shotguns and a stolen school bus that you can smash through the building. With enough hard work, knowhow and steadfast business sense, you could probably make an easy 90,000 dollars in only a few weeks for your tropical vacation. No worries about the robot clone, he or she can take care of his or herself. With a gun.

4. Come up with new and better ways to increase Global Warming and eradicate winter time once and for all. Do whatever it takes, readers. Skip your emissions testings, remove your catalytic converters, spray tons and tons of ozone hairspray in the air and organize a team of skilled ninjas who can help kidnap Al Gore and James Cameron and put them in some kind of anti-green concentration camp in Mexico. Drowning polar bears are a small price to pay for enjoying a sunny Christmas afternoon flying a kite at the park with your buddies.

I'm sure you can come up with thousands of other ways to avoid the busted fall season, but these are a few of my own ideas to get you started.

With the right attitude, sharp ideas and tons and tons of alcohol and narcotics, you too can have an amazing Autumn this year. Don't let the fall blues get you down... take the winter bull by the horns and wrestle that sumbitch into submission.

Dead corn 4 life,

-John Spartan

Soft Core Bombay!!!

2010-10-07T20:25:00.004-04:00

Hola readers!

So there's been a lot of talk going 'round here about the video I posted the other day. Was it truly some kind of face-smashing, vortex-inducing, machine-gun-toting soft core porn?

Possibly so.

While it does mark the first time topless boobs have been displayed on The Tirade, out in the real world it's a-okay. WIRED Magazine's Creative Director, Scott Dadich (also my hero), posted that video on his Twitter feed, claiming that it was his new favorite song and video.

I feel like if a nationally-renowned creative mastermind with 1,776 followers can get away with that video, it's good enough for me.

So go ahead and enjoy the cosmos again...

McClane Out.

Bombay!!!!

2010-10-02T10:12:00.002-04:00

Hey blog fans who love solid-gold women,

I know it could be a cop out to make two video posts in a row, but it's not. This time it's important, because this is my new favorite thing in the world.

If you try to take this away from me... I'll fight you. With a knife.

Warning: this video contains mild nudity. If you are below the age of 18, I'd urge you to enjoy the hell out of it. Life is short, live it up, kids. After all, this is art... and you should appreciate art.

I love the cosmos.

-M

Sugarhill Gang Love

2010-09-30T10:03:00.004-04:00

Hey fools,

This is my favorite video of the day.

That's all I got.

-M

Those Crazy Scientists

2010-09-29T19:22:00.005-04:00

Yo space alien fans,

While being held captive by a tribe of super-hot exotic women on some deserted island for the past four months, I've missed a lot of action out in the world.

(I also now apparently have somewhere around 23 children on the way.)

Here's a rundown of cool stuff that's unbelievably (and hilariously) terrifying:

THE CYBORG EXISTS... AND HE'S NOT AMERICAN!

Seriously readers... seriously. Not only does this whole thing scream "Judgement Day," but the crazy cyborg inventor man actually references it as his inspiration. Trust me on this one, folks... it starts with turning a lamp on and ends with the screams of children as their skin is melted off like a scoop of ice cream in a microwave.

Terrifying scale: 8 out of 10 metal skulls

THE NUCLEAR-WEAPONS CURIOUS UFO SITUATION

Seriously readers... seriously. Not only does this entire thing scream "Independence Day," but it also reads like a parody story from The Onion. You've got to wonder what in the hell those alien guys like so much about our nuclear stuff. While we might think it's because they want to kill us or blow up Earth or something... but maybe they just need some new batteries for their weird alien power tools.

I know what you're thinking... "why the hell would aliens need batteries for power tools when they can just fix things with their minds or possibly lasers from their eyes or something?" Well, that's a valid point, but I have a feeling that the alien scientists are looking for new and better ways to hang a picture on the wall that doesn't involve mind bullets and laser vision.

Think about it this way... if you owned a super-badass power hand saw and you had a chance to get a battery for it that would probably last the rest of your life, wouldn't it be worth it to travel billions of miles in suspended animation to a strange planet to get it?

Case closed, haters.

Terrifying scale: 9 out of 10 nuclear silos

EARTH PART 2

Seriously readers... seriously. Let's face the facts here: we're looking at Bizarro World. Somewhere on this new planet, some guy named "enalCcM ttaM" just got home from the grocery store in his "kcurt," carrying a bunch of "doof," "reeb," and a few boxes of super-microscopic extra-small "smodnoc." (Exactly backwards from the world we know and love.)

I'm just guessing on this one, but there's probably sharks or octopuses there that can actually walk on land and/or talk about politics and religion. And beat your ass at "Halo: Reach." (Only there it's probably called "Olah: On Second Thought, Don't Need It That Bad.")

I'm sure you can come up with all kinds of other Bizarro elements, but I'll leave that between you and the scientists. Who knows what the hell those scientist guys will come up with next?

Terrifying scale: stenalp sdrawkcab 1 fo tuo 10

Enjoy your day, readers, and excuse me while I go eat the hell out of some hot dogs. (I've not had any yet, so as long as I keep it under two for the day I should avoid brain tumors and/or spontaneous combustion.)

Swarthily yours,

-Neil Armstrong

P.S. Margaret: to answer your question, everybody knows that chickens are just as sexually frustrated as most loser adults who are also trapped in cages. Luckily I've never been captured long enough to discover that for myself. There's no better feeling than picking up a crack-ridden prostitute without some cage stopping you. Most likely, their complaints come from a very dark, angst-filled sexually challenged place in their brains.

Or possibly it's because one of their friends or allies or something pulled a Truman Show and escaped from the chicken anti-sex processing center, finally spreading the word about the reality of their busted situation.

Either way, it's going to be up to you to rise up and end this carnage. I just have one request: when you bust up in that joint slinging pain, blast "Electric Feel" by MGMT on your car radio.

Back from Lunch!

2010-09-28T23:37:00.004-04:00

Hey Tirade Action Force!

Guess who's back?

If you just answered that question out loud by saying, "the ghost of Layne Staley, once again rummaging through my fridge, always after that last piece of leftover fried chicken," or possibly "that hilarious guy who played 'Boss Hog' on the Dukes of Hazzard," or even "Stephen Dorff," you'd be close to the right answer.

Unfortunately for you, though, 'close' only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades, loser.

The right answer is ME: The honorable Matthew McClane, reporting for duty.

There's probably been a lot of conversation about my recent whereabouts / tomfoolery / ballyhoo, etc. Well, while I'd like to admit the truth (top-secret space mission to save our planet from a bunch of these terrifying alien guys who bleed acid and eat steel like Christmas candy canes), I'll make up some bold-faced lie: moved to this new city, took a new position at a wonderful company and changed most of my identity. (I did this mostly by having this super advanced plastic surgery procedure on my freakin' face using lasers, mirrors, expensive doctors, memory-losing serum and a massive photo library of Richard Kind.)

I guess I do feel kind of bad in a way, though. It's taken you guys more than four months to finally kick your Tirade addiction, and now here I am, waving fresh Tirade in your face. That's pretty much like me smashing down the door of a hard-core-drug rehab center with a backpack full of freshly-stewed smack gift baskets for all the residents.

Well... sorry about that, guys... but now we're in it to win it.

Come back soon for your next fix, and I promise I'll give you a great deal.

Good to be back!

-Jefferson Davis

P.S. Curious about where I've been exactly? Wondering what I've been doing? Need to know something about the female anatomy? Leave a comment below and ask me anything you want. You'll get a certified McClane answer that'll pretty much make you the smartest person amongst all your busted friends and coworkers.

2010-05-12T13:22:00.001-04:00

Artistic License!!!

2010-05-04T10:50:00.004-04:00

Hey art lovers,

Do me a favor and visit the Fluorescent Gallery in downtown Knoxville this Friday, May 7th at 7:00 p.m. to see a really innovative art show.

The Concept of the Show

By Dale Mackey and Shawn Poynter

Knoxville is crawling with creatives. We are continually inspired by the photographers, designers, writers, musicians and visual artists who live here. Artistic License aims to facilitate creative collaboration between artists and art forms in Knoxville.

Inspired by the children's game of telephone, in which a sentence is passed from person to person through whispers until it reaches the end of the chain and is uttered aloud. It's usually an entirely different sentence than the original, changed slightly be each person who hears it. Artistic License shows us what can be created when we put our words and images into another person's hands.

Four photographers took a picture of a stranger. Each of these pictures was passed on to two writers who wrote a short piece based on the photo. These poems and stories were then passed to two artists who created a piece of art based on the writing they received.

I had the pleasure of creating one of the illustrations for the show, and it marked the first time in five years I used my hands instead of a computer to create a piece of art.

The Florescent Gallery is located at 627 North Central Street in Downtown Knoxville. The gallery can also be reached at 865.386.8848 for directions or information.

Come on out and support our amazing art community!

-M

Now that's power.

2010-04-24T11:49:00.002-04:00

Hey body wash fans,

It would probably be a tragedy if I didn't post this up.

One again, Old Spice makes its mark as the only product I would actually buy based on advertising. In fact, I did buy some of the regular Body Wash. The only problem? Every time I shower, I immediately think of a shirtless man holding an oyster while riding a horse.

I guess it could be worse. At least I don't smell like a lady.

-McClane out

Strike Team... ASSEMBLE!!!!

2010-04-06T00:30:00.004-04:00

Hey herpetologist fans,

In the ever-raging battle against giant snakes, it takes a blog like this one to keep the torch burning for our species' survival.

Once again, let's head down to the Sunshine State, folks. As the below video establishes, this Mike Knight guy has stepped up to the plate and started this "Invasive Species Task Force" to try & fight these reptilian monsters before they turn the entire state of Florida into a bucket of shredded guts, severed limbs and broken dreams.

(Editor's note about Knight: I wasn't sure if I liked him or not, but then he used the word "Strike Team" at the end of one of his quotes and I was sold 100%.)

Let's check out the full story:

Mike Knight seems to be a pretty sharp guy, and he's got some awesome ideas. I especially adore the thought of a custom giant snake "911" number. I really want to take Mike's lead and offer up two suggestions of my own to those poor bastards in Florida.

1. Create a robot or something to stay up day & night manning the giant snake emergency phone number answering system. While your typical human 911 phone operator might suffice for car wrecks, rape, illegal home entry or murder... giant snakes are a different story all together. Guarding against things requires constant vigilance that no human can uphold.

2. Be really super selective about this Strike Team.

Here's a few ideas:

a.) Find a leader with a cool last name like "Steel," "Dangerfield," or "Bloodhammer."

b.) Have one really big guy with a mohawk who has no problem carrying around an awesome .50 calibre machine gun through the deadly swamps.

c.) Find some guy who can use knives really well. Switchblades are a plus. Ninja swords are off the chart.

d.) One of the guys should probably have some giant scars on his face where a giant snake tried to kill him at some point in his past. Bonus points if that same giant snake killed his parents.

e.) Uniforms that utilize skulls somehow.

f.) Round up a guy for comic relief, but also give him some kind of dark secret. I'm not sure what it would be at this point, but probably something related to a secret laboratory or boating accident. Oh yeah, also make him the boat captain.

g.) Speaking of boat, you need an awesome one. Give it some super kickass anti-giant-snake features like barb wire nets, nuclear rocket launchers, sonar equipment and rotating knife helicopter blades.

h.) Have a gorgeous woman who's the ultimate secret weapon. In a perfect world, she would be the victim of some kind of lab experiment gone wrong... so now she can communicate with snakes, control them or maybe even used to be a snake herself. Also: she's the martial arts expert with a chip on her shoulder from getting dumped by the group's leader a few years before.

i.) I would suggest having tryouts & initiation before sending these people out to their deaths. You don't want some rookie out there splashing around in some lily pads like one of those blue guys from AVATAR. You need to prepare your teammates for the inevitable: 50' pythons with laser eyes, chainsaw tails, acid spit and samurai-sword fangs.

I'm sure you can come up with a whole ton of other ideas, but those are the ones that immediately came to mind for me.

Good luck, Florida. I hope Mike Knight and his crack-team of special forces badasses can at least slow these things down for you.

In Knight we trust,

-McClane

Rolled Up Magazine of Death!!

2010-03-23T18:28:00.002-04:00

Hey faithful followers and total strangers!

And also cage fighters looking for a new way to destroy your enemies!

Today on the Tirade we'll be learning about self defense. For those of you who've been contemplating on buying a hand cannon, pepper spray, nun-chucks or some other lethal tool of death, consider saving your money and buying a new issue of Martha Stewart Living.

This guy will show you what to do if somebody tries to take your chair:

I thought that was a pretty clever twist in the end there. Just when you think he's going to pull some Mortal Kombat shit and rip his head off with the newest edition of Field and Stream, he politely offers up the chair.

OR DOES HE???

If we've learned anything today, it's this: as long as you have the newest issue of Teen People, nobody will ever bug you while you're trying to take a crap... ever.

-Fred Woodward

Say "I DO"... now with BASS!

2010-03-21T03:02:00.002-04:00

Hey gang,

Man, I don't think I can say anything witty to introduce this video, it's just one of those things you have to see to believe.

GO SEE IT.

-Bill Dance

The Forgotten Web Standard

2010-03-20T00:47:00.002-04:00

Yeah, this man is my new hero.

This is a slide show created by Mike Kus, designer at Carsonified, for his 2009 presentation called Graphic Design: The Forgotten Web Standard.

Just a fantastic piece that shows us how websites don't have to be constrained to lame tables anymore. As designers, we can be as free as we wanna be. To check out more of Mike's work, scope his personal website.

You're totally welcome for the plug on The Tirade, Mike. Now get that check in the mail for my promotion fee. You think The Tirade is CHEAP to run?? Man, we all gotta eat.

Sincerely,

-Inigo Montoya

P.S. Looking at all of Mike's wonderful work inspired me to crank out a new home page this evenin'. Check out the new look at mattmcclane.com.

Technical Difficulties

2010-03-11T19:46:00.004-05:00

UPDATE!!!!

3/17/10

Because WVLT is dubbing the recent posting of a "pirated" video of my main man Gordon Boyd's amazing breakdown as being illegal, YouTube has yanked the file. On top of that, Mr. Boyd has since been on leave from the news station, sorting out his life, etc. after making a mean face and throwing down a folder on television.

I still feel for the guy & I really hope he doesn't lose his job. Come on, that guy is hilarious! After this whole thing, I'd watch that guy's show every night.

I would give you a link to the place I got all this information, The Knoxville News Sentinel, but somehow & mysteriously, I'm unable to find the page only a few hours after reading it. Am I just unable to track this story down, or has it been mysteriously pulled as well?

Face it guys, in Knoxville, genius abounds.

-M

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Hey true believers,

I just want you guys to check out my man Gordon Boyd here. A local news correspondent, Gordon always has a bit of trouble speaking clearly. He's typically sitting at the news desk, gazing into the TelePrompTer like a zombie, but on this fateful day, he was holding it down outside the courthouse in downtown.

Gordon, I gotta be honest with you here, my man: you put me on the edge of my seat every night. The way you stumble through words and stutter around every story is like watching a grizzly bear fight an anaconda. Who's gonna win here, Gordon... you or that deadly TelePrompTer? 'Cause it's giving you a run for your money, holmes.

Anyway, Gordon blew up on camera the other day and it was the best thing ever. As of today, it looks like we're up to 137,284 views and it was uploaded only six days ago.

Poor Alan Williams' face is key.

It's always great to see Knoxville get put on the map again for some stupid crap.

Speaking of stupid crap in Knoxville... uh huh.

Slinging papers around 4 life,

-Ron Burgundy

BILLY! LET'S GO!!!

2010-03-09T23:50:00.004-05:00

Hey Sonny Landham fans,

It's probably no shocker to any of you guys that I'm a pretty huge Schwarzenegger fan.

Wait, let me say that differently: "It's probably no shocker to any of you guys that I'm a pretty huge fan of Schwarzenegger back when he did 80's action movies."

Editor's note: If you even try to tell me that every single one of Schwarzenegger's movies from the 80's aren't absolutely and orgasmically awesome, I'll fly a chopper straight up your ass.

While I could talk about those movies for pages and pages, instead I'll just talk about how much I love Sonny Landham as "BILLY" in the 1987 McTiernan masterpiece, PREDATOR.

Man, Billy was an intense guy!! It only makes sense that when addressing Billy, you should always say his name in an intense voice. Check out this awesome video clip:

The thing I love to do more than anything in the world is scream out the name "BILLY!" in this really obnoxious Arnold Schwarzenegger voice during any given activity.

Here's some great examples:

• You get up early in the morning to make some breakfast. When the toast pops up from the toaster, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You're drying your hair and you want an awesome dramatic explosion right before you hit the power button on the blow dryer. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" then quickly hit the power button. It's an explosion, all right.

• You get an email. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• Some guy walks past your window with a hardhat, carrying a giant bundle of wires. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" even though that's most likely not his name. (However, if his name IS Billy, oh boy, you're gonna have some serious explaining to do.)

• You trip on something random, like a wrinkle in the rug. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" to mask not only your clumsiness, but also your pent-up rage and sadness over some abuse that happened on a rug when you were a kid.

• It cuts to a commercial break at the end of this long, dramatic pause on your show. During the half-a-second, quiet moment before the commercial begins, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" to make the following commercial more intense.

• You take the milk out of the fridge. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" after the key has been inserted into the ignition, but just before it cranks all the way up with a roar. That makes a great segue between the turn of the key and the explosive engine starting.

• While removing your mail from the mailbox, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• When you see your landlord walking down the sidewalk, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" to mess with him a little bit. When he says, "what?," just mention something about the weather, or economy, or whatever and then maybe you can learn something.

• You hit the send button on your email. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You've got this super awesome sub sandwich in your hands, just dripping with whatever crap you like on there. Just before you take your bite, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" and then pause. Look out into space for a few minutes and think about something cool. Then, slowly sink your teeth into that delicious crap-smothered piece of heaven. Afterwards, before you've completely swallowed all of it, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" with your mouth half full. (Note: increase volume to compensate for clarity.)

• Just before you start to pee, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" before a drop hits the toilet. (Or ground.) (Or seedy back alley at 3:30 a.m.) (Or your enemy's face.)

• Take a break during shaving to pause, think about life and then instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" before getting that little tuft under your nose. *Consider instinctively screaming, "BILLY!!!" again when you actually get that part of your lip finished up and smooth.

• You shake your co-worker's hand, and just as you get your firm grip going, you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" in his or her face. Hopefully he or she will have read this blog by that time and you guys can share this awesome inside joke from the rest of your douchebag co-workers.

• During Avatar, when Jake Sully looks at the blue tiger woman and tells her some stuff about choosing her as his mate or girlfriend or whatnot (before they get it on), you instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" in 3D.

• You fart. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!"

• You're finally getting some gardening done and you suddenly spot your wedding ring that you've been looking for for months in your flower bed. You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!" while picking it up. Fortunately, you've since divorced that idiot cheating husband of yours, and now you can get your ass down to the pawn shop. There's a world of wonder inside those four walls. ... Like that old school stationary bike. Or that pistol.

I'm sure you guys can think of about a million other uses for the expression, but those are probably the MOST used scenarios.

Have a wonderful day, and if you happen to pop a giant zit, you know what to do.*

-Poncho

(*You instinctively scream, "BILLY!!!")

Sadly, he isn't me

2010-03-08T23:46:00.003-05:00

Yo Joes,

It's no exaggeration when I say: "The commercial that's embedded below from YouTube is my very favorite commercial of the new decade."

Trust me guys, there's no such thing as "exaggerating" on The Tirade.

Ever.

Now back at me,

-M

Jym Davis' Cover Remodel: Superman #1

2010-03-08T10:39:00.005-05:00

Hey gang,

My buddy Mark stumbled across a really interesting post on writer Warren Ellis' website last week and forwarded over the link.

Check out Ellis' post.

I thought it was a pretty fascinating challenge... to completely re-imagine the Man of Steel with only this criteria:

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

You have been told that Superman is a man who dresses predominantly in a shade of blue, and wears a red S symbol. You know nothing else about the character.

The cover must include a logo and the text THE COMPLETE STORY OF THE DARING EXPLOITS OF THE ONE AND ONLY SUPERMAN.

And that’s it.

It’s up to you what kind of company you’re at. What kind of comics you make. How you translate that description of Superman. What era you’re in. Who you are, even. Go nuts with it.

You have one week. Go.

While I would have loved to take on the project, I found myself a bit on the busy side last week & this weekend and didn't have a chance to sink in some teeth.

However... my good friend Jym Davis certainly DID make some time. His rendition of Superman was so interesting, unorthodox and so well crafted, that I had to post his piece on The Tirade and give the man some major props. Feast your eyes on Jym's re-imagining. (Click to see this baby larger.)

Good, good stuff. To see more of Jym's art, follow these magic links into a watercolor paradise:

View Jym's commercial portfolio, full of outstanding magazine features and other pieces of gold.

Check out Jym's personal site full of delicious art & video projects.

Check out one of the most insanely ambitious and mind-blowing experiments to ever happen to the book of Revelation.

Thanks for being an inspiration, Jym—excellent work!!!!

Holla if you hear me,

-M

RIP IE6

2010-03-04T14:01:00.004-05:00

Sshhhhh... if you listen close, you can hear the ghost of Internet Explorer 6 lumbering through the pages of The Tirade.

Seriously, are you guys using IE6? I bet a ton of you are reading this blog on that damned browser right now. If you are, let me tell you right now... you're viewing the world through a zombie's eyes. That's right... Internet Explorer 6 has officially been murdered.

The funeral is being held today for the aging Web browser.

So who's doing the killin'? Looks like our sneaky friends at Google are pulling the trigger. Or wielding the machete. Or stabbing with the knife. Or crushing with the rock. Or setting on fire with the blowtorch. Or cutting the brake lines on IE6's car. Or sneaking under IE6's house through the foundation crawl space with a giant tank of Argon Gas. From there, Google will run a small tube up through the floor, and pump tons of gas into IE6's bedroom while it sleeps. Since Argon is technically heavier than Oxygen, it will slowly take the place of Oxygen in IE6's lungs, slowly killing it while it sleeps. Or pulling the pin on the grenade and stuffing it into IE6's underwear while it's taking a piss in the men's room at YouTube.

However it's happening, Google is doing the job. This past Monday, Google killed the support for the browser for its sites, and YouTube will boot it out of the house on March 13.

What does it all mean?? From my point of view, I've only used the browser once or twice, and I think that was back in 2001 or 2002. Yeah yeah, I'm one of those life-long Mac guys. If you want to get into the bread and butter, many of you know that I've never used a PC to accomplish anything in my life other than looking at websites. To be honest, I have no idea how a PC even works. Those things scare me to death.

I do know, however, how much of a pain it is to keep your site design browser compliant, and this IE6 abomination is always the biggest thorn to work around. What looks like a beautiful summertime pond covered in flowers and hot chicks in sundresses in Safari or Firefox looks like you're trapped at a bad GWAR cover band concert with a football-field sized mosh pit containing 100,000 Carrot Top clones all wearing pink Snuggies in Internet Explorer 6.

I offer my condolences to the users of IE6 and also offer up a warning: if your internet browser suddenly starts to crave human flesh, I'd totally download the new Safari or Firefox immediately. You sure as hell don't want to end up like Captain Rhodes.

Best regards and stuff,

-----> McClane, Blog Owner Man

Judgement Day could be just around the corner!

2010-02-24T12:08:00.005-05:00

Hey fans of super awesome technology,

Welcome to the Tirade. A place of warm tranquility and steel-enforced ethics of street justice and brawn.

In case you're wondering, I just now came up with that tag line, and it might warrant an entirely new nameplate change at the top. I'll look into that.

Anyway, today we're discussing a hard-hitting topic of robots and their ongoing battle to take over the planet. Everybody knows that Judgement Day is coming soon, and the signs are becoming more and more blatant every day. A lot of people think it may have started with that whole Terminator thing, but actually the source I have goes much deeper into American lore.

Everything we will come to fear and hate about robots stems from this scene:

Yeah, that's right. It starts with a birthday cake surprise and ends with Uncle Paulie getting disemboweled and burned to a flaky skeleton of cinder and doom.

Next time you get rich by beating the hell out of Mr. T, think twice before you buy your brother-in-law a giant robot death machine. Trust me, you're not gonna hurt his feelings with a nice new flask, a few bottles of gin, carton of cigarettes or Russian prostitute.

So today our friends at CNN ran this really interesting story about new advances in science that are helping amputee victims get back in the game. The technology is astounding, almost to the point of being unbelievable.

So yeah, basically, we're talking first generation cyborgs here.

Call it what you want, folks, but the process of attaching robot machinery to a human being's body and integrating both elements into one more-advanced unit is your textbook definition of a cyborg.

Sure, the technology is pretty straightforward now... pick up a gallon of water, shake hands, etc. However, if that sumbitch can hold a drill and put a hole in a piece of wood... you know he can hold a super-advanced laser cannon like in District 9 and turn some human beings into sausage.

We've seen this kind of thing in comic books & movies for years, and I'm shocked to see it happening in the flesh. Self powered, light weight, strong-gripping cyborg arms, man.

You want further proof? You remember how that Schwarzenegger guy played a notorious robot cyborg guy from the future? Let's look at a comparison. First, our new happy prosthetic arm that's going to help Veterans:

Now here's the arm that's going to crush the living hell out of the entire human species on the planet and leave us in a world of dust, tears, pain and no more steak... ever.

Keep your wits about ya, readers. If I were you, I'd start digging some gigantic hole somewhere and stocking up on canned goods.

You really think that's a PHONE you're carrying around?

If you're reading this blog... you are the resistance.

- John Connor

Best fight ever.

2010-02-18T21:45:00.003-05:00

Hey guys,

Man, after that Ong Bak post, I really got pumped up about ass-kicking action movies. I watched a few more, but then I realized that one fight stands above all as being the most hard core. You can have your Van Damme's, your Seagal's, your Stallone's, your Lee's, your Li's, your Statham's, your Hasselhoff's, your Schwarzenegger's, your Hogan's, your Jaa's or even your McClane's.

No, my friends. This is the best fight ever:

Don't rough it up too much on the playground, fools.

-John Kimble

P.S. This one ain't bad either.

Is Tony Jaa even human?

2010-02-16T10:38:00.002-05:00

Yo readers,

Since my last post changed the lives of millions in three days (actually, Google Analytics tells me that I technically wooed a world of nearly 170... and whomever is reading my blog in Malaysia, thanks for being a fan! Seriously!) with the power of love, I thought I should probably follow it up with some ass kicking.

I'm not sure if you've seen a film called Ong Bak yet, but I'd recommend you do that. Netflix will stream it up for you right now, actually for only $9.99 a month or something. (Attention President guy of Netflix: I'll be waiting on my promo payment. Same fee as last time, only this time I want the high grade stuff.)

Anyway, Ong Bak takes kicking ass to a higher level. I personally think it makes watching movies like American Ninja, Universal Soldier, Marked for Death and Rumble in the Bronx look like an episode of Sewing with Nancy on PBS.

Last night I was finally able to see the big-time-anticipated sequel, Ong Bak 2: The Beginning.

Man, I've never seen anything like that. Not since Bruce Lee have I seen a guy move that fast and express so much charisma. Not only does this guy use every single weapon known to man in this movie, but he also doesn't utilize one single machine gun, poison dart or cheesy one-liner while doing it.

This is one of my highest recommended movies of the year so far. The plot? Oh, I have no idea what happened, actually, I just loved watching Tony Jaa maim, murder and destroy hundreds of guys, usually all at once.

Oh yeah... and it's about time that elephants got some action. These guys have been underrated for way too long and it was great to see them treated with some style. You haven't lived until you've seen a slow motion shot of a super-badass Asian man swinging around on an elephant tusk, beating the hell out of some ninjas.

Enjoy the trailer and this clip, and go get you some!

Avenging my people 4 life,

-M

The Valentine's Day Experiment: 2010

2010-02-14T10:46:00.026-05:00

Hey love fans,

From the perspective of a single guy, I've always looked at Valentine's Day as being the equivalent to a day set aside for medieval torture methods, fingernails-on-chalkboards festivities and 12 straight hours of repeated viewings of 2004's Catwoman starring Halle Berry. Absolute hell.

But why was I so miserable? Why was I so jaded and angry about it every year?

It doesn't stop with me, Lord no. I'm sure the scientists have rigged up some machine that counts up this kind of thing and turns it into a pie chart or graph made out of hearts or something, but I'm pretty sure there's a large majority of people out there who feel the same way.

Well, I'm pretty tired of this way of thinking. I saw Valentine's Day coming a billion miles away this year, and even though I would be outnumbered 1,000 to one, I came up with a plan. Remember how those 300 ab guys stood up to zillions of Persian soldiers because they had this awesome plan? Yeah, that was me... sans the abs.

The Valentine's Day Experiment.

It began with me posting a series of Valentine's Day quotes on Facebook, starting on February 1st and going all the way through to the 14th. That's 14 straight days of beautiful, loving inspirational quotes about love... and specifically the love of a beautiful woman.

I wanted to see just how jaded or inspired people out there would get. I wanted to see what kind of reactions these types of quotes would bring. While I'm sure a whole ton of people probably read my quotes, there were only a few here and there that would dive in and comment. Now you can check out the entire experiment right here:

So what have we learned? Hell, I'm not a love engineer or emotion anthropologist, so I'm not going to make you a chart. I think the majority of the comments can speak for themselves.

So what have I learned?

I've spent the last 14 days completely immersed in the science and philosophy of love, particularly the festivities and ideas behind Valentine's Day.

Everybody knows that the origins of St. Valentine's Day are 99% drama, executions, murder and revolutions and 1% love. You can grab your nearest encyclopedia or use your Google search bar to learn more about it, but this holiday certainly didn't begin with a toddler in a diaper with a vengeance chasing people down with a deadly weapon.

No, we can thank people like Esther Howland, a pretty sneaky English entrepreneur in 1847 for getting this ball rolling. People like her started capitalizing on this tattered holiday by creating hand-made cards in her basement... snowballing into our friends at the Hallmark corporation and a zillion in-your-face Valentine's Day specials across the globe.

But whatever it's morphed into over the years, capitalism or not, we're still stuck with this wonderful holiday of love. So then it comes down to us, right?

If you're a couple, you're faced with all these hilarious decisions. What to do? What kind of special treat will you share with your significant other? What to buy? Where to go? How do you top last year? How do you top whatever you did with your last ex? Will you celebrate it at all? Will you choose to ignore it... in the face of 10,000 signs, logos, hearts & pink colors every day? That's certainly a lot of pressure, yo.

Well, we'll let the couples of the world figure that out.

I'm a single guy, so what do I do? Do I get all pissed and "gag" every time I read a quote about love? Do I "gag again" when I think about being in love? Do I become cynical about it and make witty jokes about murder, drugs and violence?

I say no, not this year. This year I've learned something new.

If you go looking for unhappiness, you can bet your ass that you'll find it. More than likely, it'll find you. It'll sniff you out like a vicious honey badger tracks down puff adders and bee hives.

This holiday season, I changed everything and instead went looking for something else: appreciation and celebration.

To find a new perspective, I started with an examination of my life and relationships in general. What the hell is up with that, right?

I haven't had a Valentine lady since 2005. When you don't have relationships, you get pretty damn comfortable with being single. You actually get extremely comfortable, sometimes to the point of putting relationships on par with jury duty. But it also affords me this amazing opportunity to whittle down the things I want and make some pretty interesting observations.

Some people rush into love and relationships and then sooner or later those questions, tiny doubts or reflections come into play. Maybe relationships themselves are just glorified social experiments? I could never be sure about it, but I'm almost certain that I was an experiment in the the last super-brief relationship I had. It was the only one in five years, so it tends to stand out.

I think this lady had been with a guy for a long time who she loved... and she suddenly, for some reason, wanted to experiment and try something new by dating me when their relationship hit a bump in the road. When she didn't find those familiar things that she needed or wanted in me, she completely lost interest and was reminded of why she was so happy with her old boyfriend to begin with.

While it's easy to be upset from being used as a substitute for a few months, all it takes is a simple change of perspective to see things a completely different way. If you look at things from her perspective, it becomes a lot easier to understand. I'm extremely happy for this woman, actually, for going back to what made her happy to begin with. I don't blame her for wanting to try something different for a little while. She regained her focus of what she really needed in a guy, and I had a few really happy months. Case closed on that one.

Hell, I love some McDonald's double cheeseburgers. I can't eat 'em all the time for obvious reasons, but I really enjoy 'em. So one day I felt froggy and decided to veer off the reservation. I had this thought that I'd try out a Big Mac. The thought of eating something different was exciting. Ordering it was exciting. The anticipation of opening the box was exciting. The first bite was exciting. But then... after swallowing that bastard, I suddenly realized & remembered why I don't like Big Macs. Just didn't taste right to me at all, and I didn't enjoy it. You can bet your ass the next time I ordered something it was a double cheeseburger. That good 'ole delicious taste that I always loved tasted even better after trying that lame Big Mac.

Important editor's note: does this make the Big Mac any less tasty for billions of consumers across the world? You bet your sweet ass it doesn't.

It's all about completely changing your perspective on things and celebrating the positive.

Instead of being miserably selfish in thinking about my own singleness or potential loneliness, I spent 14 straight days celebrating love and the amazing women of the world. Every single time I saw a stupid balloon with a bad font, a stuffed animal, a lame card that plays music and utilizes a goofy cartoon cat, endless bouquets of flowers and baby's breath... I ate it all up and loved every second of it. Come on, that stuff is hilarious.

A beautiful woman is worth so much more than that, and you know it.

I celebrated and appreciated the inner and outer beauty of a woman. I celebrated the women who've found love and how happy I am that they can experience it. I'm celebrating the way a woman looks when she's loved.

If you're ever lucky enough to be standing at an alter, looking down the aisle past huge groups of people to see the woman that you're madly in love with walking straight towards you... record every single second of that. A beautiful woman can be a goddess on her wedding day. It wouldn't matter if she's wearing a $500,000 gown or a burlap f'n sack, she's much, much more than a human being in those moments. It's not makeup or hair. It's not jewelry or shoes. It's love. You'll never see a more gorgeous woman than in those moments. Love does that.

How about single women? I celebrated single women who set an example, who work hard at what they do and strongly deserve a man's respect. I celebrated single women who don't even need a man in their lives because he would only slow them down.

I celebrated women who didn't have a guy to hug on Valentine's Day... because I know that in their heart, they've got enough love to level an entire city block when they find the right guy to give it to. When they find the guy who'll appreciate them for it.

Every year, it seems like Valentine's Day runs me into the ground, but this year I've learned that it's just not about me and my problems. That's unbelievably selfish of me. No, there's a much bigger picture to this holiday, and I've been fortunate and blessed this year to be able to see it.

Put the greeting cards, busted flowers and balloons aside and think about love. Think about the person you share it with or how it makes you feel. Get on top of it and own it. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really dig who you see. If you can't love yourself... your mind, your body, your soul... how the hell will you be able to give your love to someone else?

Face the facts, bud... Love deserves more thought. If you're single, there's no need to gag. All it takes is a little change of perspective to appreciate it.

Happy Valentine's Day from The Tirade, readers. You've got nothing but love from me.

Valentine's Day quote #14: "Whether love comes as the perfect drug, a fleeting moment, a lifetime of comfort, a speeding bullet, a walk in the clouds, a merciless hurricane, an unexplored path, a last breath, a first chapter, a knife to the chest, a soft breeze, a draw in the lottery, a failed parachute or the best dreams of your life realized in full color with surround sound... it's all worth it. It's all worth every single second." -Matt McClane

Best Restaurants EVER.

2010-02-10T20:27:00.004-05:00

Hey foodies,

Are you hungry at all?

I don't know about you, but when I get hungry, I like to stroll down to the "Phat Phúc Noodle Bar" for some excellent & authentic Vietnamese food.

If they end up being closed early, I'll walk across the street to the "Kum Den" for my nightly taste of excellence.

Sometimes, though, I feel the need for some food that's a little more dangerous and sexy. When that feeling comes over me, nothing quenches my desires like "El Rape."

I wish I was just kidding around, but this site has found some of the worst (or best, depending on which kind of pill you've taken today) restaurant names ever.

Enjoy even more horribly named restaurants by clicking HERE.

Eat it up, fools!

-M

This post was brought to you by the good folks at MGT.

Don't worry, I'm still here!

2010-02-10T00:27:00.004-05:00

Hey guys,

Man, been pretty quiet here on the Tirade for a few days. A lot of you have sent in letters and expressed your concern in a variety of ways, and I'm really thankful for those who stay on top of it. For example, here's a letter I received yesterday:

---------------------------------

Dear McClane Tirade,

The first few days were okay. I had my morning cup of coffee, read the new Garfield cartoon, checked weather.com and went on with my everyday routine. But there was no new Tirade post.

By the fourth day, a slow, building panic began to build up in my stomach, ultimately resting soundly in my heart. There was an aching. It was an aching on par with a gunshot to the chest while wearing a bullet proof vest. Not that I know what that actually feels like, but I've seen actors take that kind of damage in movies and it certainly looks the way my heart felt. On the inside. Of my soul.

The fifth day was a bloody nightmare for the farthest, deepest regions of hell itself. It seems like I'd just fallen apart. I'd watched the Bruce Hornsby video countless times by now, but if I had to count, I'd estimate 36. Checking back every hour on the hour. Hitting that refresh button like a severe burn victim taps a morphine drip. Nothing. No sign. No satisfaction. No masturbation material for later.

This day... the sixth day... something inside me just couldn't take it any longer. With no Tirade, life just really even worth living. At least in the way I'd planned. I've come to accept my new life now... a rebel. A renegade. Somebody who plays against the rules. Somebody who carries a knife and a real bad attitude into public places. A person who wants action tonight.

I changed that night. I changed forever and now nothing will be the same.

See, the Tirade isn't just a magical place where amazing things happen and people find everything they're searching for... it's a binding tie to the strands of life itself.

Please make a new post. Bind me, McClane. Bind my ties.

Sincerely,

Frank Stallone

---------------------------------

Frank, I've got you covered, my man. Thanks for the letter and for the love.

Because in the end, it's all about love, isn't it?

Hey, speaking of some good lovin', come on back soon, Frank, for my upcoming VALENTINE'S DAY CELEBRATION post!!!!

10 gallons of sugar,

-McClane

Hear the music on the lake?

2010-02-03T23:06:00.002-05:00

What is it about Bruce Hornsby that just makes me tear up like a baby?

*It's important to note that only on The Tirade will you get a State of the Union address, horrible werewolf movie review, video about a gigantic tree crash and Bruce Hornsby on the same page.

Now I'm off to watch a Neill Marshal movie & drink a cold Bud Light.

Later gators!

-M

Tree Attack!!!

2010-02-03T01:57:00.002-05:00

Hey guys, welcome to the 'ole Tirade.

This is a place where all your dreams come true... and more. Anything is possible here on the Tirade.

Anyway, so tonight this massive tree smashes into the side of my apartment building. Rather than type a bunch of stuff, I thought I'd just show you this video that I made in my moments of desperation and panic.

In the end, the guys finally got their truck un-buried, the Knoxville Utility guys came out and made the power lines their bitches.

Everything's great, and so are you.

Muah.

-M

Marsupial Werewolves ate my baby!!!!

2010-01-30T17:15:00.018-05:00

Hey readers,

I've never experienced anything like Howling III: The Marsupials.

Werewolf movies are a really weird breed. (Yes, that pun was intended.) It seems like every director or writer has his or her own take on these things, and they can range from absolutely terrifying and brutal to utterly ridiculous and disrespectful to the entire genre.

This film is something else entirely on a whole new level of batshit insane. Seriously, see if you can make it through the trailer for this thing:

If you were able to make it all the way to the end, you'll see some amazing credentials from a few well-respected papers, the most significant being the New York Times.

According to the trailer, the Times gave it incredible accolades, saying, "If you see only one werewolf movie this year..."

These trailer editor guys are geniuses. They strategically left out the rest of the quote, which actually said:

"EXTREME WARNING: Evil terrorists have actually created a film that can make American citizens' brains explode like a cherry bomb inside a cantaloupe if viewed for more than one minute. These terrorists have snuck into random theaters, hijacked projection booths and are slowly murdering audiences across the nation. If you see only one werewolf movie this year and value your life, for the love of all that's good and holy in this world, make sure it's not Howling III: The Marsupials."

Besides, how many werewolf movies are actually produced every year?

The geniuses also pulled a quote from the New York Daily News critic as well: "My kind of horror movie."

I remember reading this one. The actual full quote was:

"My wife recently left me for another man, leaving me with a ton of unpaid bills and a lot of heartbreak. When I heard that the terrorists had made a movie that kills audiences after one minute, I purchased a reel on the black market. I followed my wife and her new man to a local movie theatre where they planned to see The Princess Bride. It wasn't hard to hold the projectionist hostage at gunpoint and switch out the reels. After one minute, life was bliss as I witnessed the happy couple's heads exploding like frogs in a microwave oven. Now that's my kind of horror movie!"

The director of this thing, Philippe Mora, achieved something that other filmmakers only dream of: a completely unwatchable mess of sheer genius and power. (It's also important to note that Mora went on to direct such other gems such as Pterodactyl Woman from Beverly Hills and Snide and Prejudice.)

The plot here is basically impossible to follow, and after watching it a few times trying to figure it out, I'm still completely clueless. (I didn't watch this a few times on purpose, actually... I just kept falling asleep over and over again and it took three times before I could make it to the end.)

It has something to do with some guy's dad finding an old film reel of a bunch of Aborigines deep in the Australian outback capturing some werewolf with a giant head and stabbing it a bunch of times with spears and stuff:

It's also about a Cold War conspiracy with the Russians... a love story between some assistant director on a werewolf movie and a shunned werewolf chick with a giant hairy pouch... a group of bloodlusting werewolf nuns on a mission... a renegade Russian ballerina... and some extinct marsupial beast dog called a Tasmanian Tiger.

It was also rated PG-13.

The main story arc centers around two star-crossed lovers. At least I'm pretty sure. Here's a photo of them having a great time at the movies:

Basically this assistant director guy that looks like a poor man's Jason Priestly is driving by in his sweet convertible and spots this busted-looking homeless chick lying on this park bench in a ripped up dress and sex hair gone horribly, horribly wrong. He does what any guy would do in this situation... run towards her like a maniac.

The guy jumps out of his car and runs toward her like one of those super fast zombies from Zach Snyder's Dawn of the Dead remake.

Anyway, this scares the hell out of her, of course, and she runs away. After this really long chase scene through the park, he corners her in some concrete stairway and tells her "not to be frightened." When she asks why the hell he's chasing her, he explains that he's an assistant director on a film called "Shapeshifters Part 8" and he wants her to star in the movie because she looks "beautiful and wild."

Man, I wish I could get cast in a movie like that.

From there, of course, they fall in love. Or at least I'm pretty sure.

(SPOILER ALERT) This crazy chick is a werewolf, of course, from some busted village in the outback called "FLOW" where all the werewolves live. In case you're mentally challenged, please take the time to go get a mirror and hold it up to your computer screen to see the genius behind the village name.

She escaped from her people earlier in the movie, but I can't remember why. Anyway, who cares, now she's a movie star.

Since she's never seen a horror movie (or any acting in general), he takes her to see one so she can learn the ropes before her first big day of shooting. Here's a link to that piece of genius.

So as their intense relationship progresses, we have this really weird out-of-control sweaty sex scene where they must have gotten it on under a sprinkler system or mist sprayer or something. Or the guy has no air conditioning and they've both drank like 12 gallons of water each. Or the director couldn't find a suitable apartment, so they just rented out the sauna at the local YMCA and turned it into a bedroom. Either way, it was some seriously sweaty sex, man.

I've definitely had sex once or twice in my day, and I know how that whole thing works. Basically, you get pretty much naked and touch your partner's body a lot. I wonder if this guy just totally skipped that whole "touching his partner's body a lot" part, because after sex when she's passed out beside him, he notices that this chick's stomach and entire crotch area are completely covered in thick fur.

I know, I know, some dudes are totally into that kind of thing, and if you are... more power to you. I however, don't swing that way, so it was pretty damn scary for me. Besides, it's not that kind of hair. Every inch of this chick's groin is covered in straight fur. Like a carpet laying company came out to her house and accidentally mistook her crotch for her living room floor.

To take it a step further, though, not only is there thick hair everywhere down there, but also a giant slit across her belly that may or may not be a kangaroo pouch.

File that figure.

We cut back and forth a lot to these two British guys who keep talking about werewolves like they're this top secret government conspiracy, and now they're in a race against the Russians to find them, or stop them, or something.

At one point the President of the United States gets involved in a cameo, and a bunch of high-ranking generals are in discussion about nuking the entire continent of Australia to finally destroy these creatures once and for all.

File that figure.

Next we cut to this really terrifying Russian ballerina lady who's face already looks like a werewolf without any makeup on.

She's twirling around on stage at a big practice session... and for some reason turns into a werewolf (with a giant head) on stage and eats some guy.

It could have been a dream, but in the next shot she's tied down to a hospital bed surrounded by cops, so I think it was real.

File that figure.

Next we see this group of mentally retarded werewolf nuns who are on this rampage across the city, killing every sumbitch that gets in their way:

I think they're on this mission to find the homeless sweaty pouch woman, but I sort of forgot about them towards the middle of the movie and I have no idea where they ended up going.

All figures are now safely filed.

With all these characters in place, the movie turns into this cluster of confusion, as the race to... well.. as the fight for... well... as the quest for... well... to be honest, I'm not sure at all what happens after this.

Somewhere in all this mess we also learn that werewolves are highly epileptic. Whenever you flash a strobe light or any kind of flashing lights in their faces, they immediately change into wolf form. Not only that, but they go absolutely apeshit in the process. This kind of thing will result in—but not limited to—fake lightning bolts, random background sparks, lame x-ray lighting effects and super-shaky handheld camera shots:

Just a tip for you... if you've got a buddy who's a werewolf, keep your distance from the television. Also, if you happen to be a scientist who's captured a werewolf, try not to take a gigantic strobe light and jam it into his face while you've got him tied up. All hell will break loose and you'll lose some valuable lab equipment. And your arms.

The most important thing, however, is that all that sweaty sex earlier in the film pays off big time when the sweaty-carpet-wolf-pouch-woman totally gets knocked up.

"SWEET!!!" I thought, as the tagline for the movie would finally come into play.

Fun fact: werewolf pregnancies only last a few days, apparently. Like any other knocked-up dog or cat, she sneaks off into this barn, makes a nice bed out of some straw and proceeds to do her childbearing thing. In this incredibly uncomfortable and completely inane scene, pouch woman gives birth to this weird giant-cockroach-sized plastic mole-alien creature.

Here's a few shots to give you an idea. I left out the horribly disturbing vagina close-up pictures and gratuitous crotch angles.

So now that they've got this weird ass alien-looking mole baby, the happy couple runs off into the outback with one of those British scientist guys and the weirdo Russian werewolf ballerina lady, who've also fallen in love. There, they build their own civilization, have a bunch of kids and live for like 15 or more years in the wild.

Seriously.

Now that we've got the whole plot nailed down, let's talk about the awesome stuff.

1. Giant werewolf heads.

The werewolves in this movie have these gigantic heads. I'm not sure what's up with that, but it looks awesome. I think the special effects people found this great time & money saving technique of breaking into the Minnesota Timberwolves' locker room and stealing their mascot's head. From there, they just spray painted it different colors and used advanced special effects techniques to make the teeth different sizes or part its hair on a different side, depending on the scene.

2. Unbelievably awesome set design & art direction.

I told you earlier about the village these werewolf guys live in called Flow. It's supposed to be this little rustic village in the outback, but really it just looks like somebody's back yard. All the werewolves are jammed into this one little area where they just sit around on the ground talking. The bald leader werewolf guy hangs out on this deerskin bed roll in the middle, and I'm pretty sure I saw a chain link fence in there somewhere.

(Is that guy behind him wearing PJ pants???)

I'm not sure where these bastards sleep, because we never see any caves or huts or cabins or lean-to shelters or anything, just that same big area where they all sit around. It almost looks like they broke into some family's backyard and kicked a 6-year-old boy out of his sandbox to get the shot.

Bonus track: Later in the film, the sweaty-hairy-pouch werewolf woman becomes this huge movie star and wins an Academy Award for one of her movies that her poor man's Jason Priestly boyfriend guy directed. You've got to check out this awards show stage. It's really wild how realistic it looks. I feel like I was actually there at the Oscars:

3. Obligatory Australian stereotype: crazy old Aborigine man.

When some of our characters head out into the outback, this crazy old man with this huge white beard keeps popping into the frame over and over again attempting to shock scare us.

Most of the time he'll sling out classic catch phrases such as, "wanna throw a shrimp on the barbie?" or "G'Day!"

I was never able to figure out what he was doing in this movie, but at one point we see him change into a werewolf and eat a bunch of hunter guys, so I guess he came in handy.

4. Inconsistent werewolf nipple placement.

When hairy/sweaty werewolf pouch woman gives birth to the giant alien cockroach, we pretty much get a full frontal naked shot. She's pretty much got regular boobs like a human woman without a pouch (not bad, by the way).

On the flip side to this, when the werewolf Russian ballerina lady transforms into a werewolf in the hospital, her hospital gown tears open and we can clearly see six nipples down her entire body, exactly like your average female hound dog. Does that strike you as being weird?

Maybe, but I give the director some credit for getting creative with it.

5. Badass skeleton attack sequence.

At one point in the film, one of the random werewolves is killed somehow. I think I may have gone into my kitchen for another glass of Jack Daniel's or zoned out thinking about Hamburger Helper, so I think I missed the part where they actually murdered him.

At any rate, all the other werewolf guys are pretty sad & shaken up, so they throw his body up on some rocks and set his ass on fire. After a while, all that's left are his smoldering bones and some fried skin:

Later on, these wacky hunter guys happen to stumble up on the charred corpse, and, of course, one of them has to get a closer look at the skeleton:

Out of nowhere, the burned remains of this giant-headed werewolf jump up and try to attack the guy in one of the most hilarious & harrowing scenes in a movie ever. Hell, it might be the defining sequence in the entire werewolf genre. Unfortunately it's body is all crispy & brittle, so the best we get is some prosthetic jaw snapping action with rotating head and really intense music.

6. The guy who's directing the movie in the movie.

The director of Shapeshifters Part 8 could be one of the most awesome meta film directors in the history of cinema. Check out his picture & that's enough said.

I'll happily leave you with that image because saying more would just ruin the mystique. Hope you guys have a great week and throw plenty of shrimp on your barbies!

-Paul Hogan

P.S. Speaking of werewolves, be sure to support the world's greatest scriptwriter writing the world's greatest script by following WEREWOLF SCRIPT on Twitter!!!!

State of the Union

2010-01-27T22:59:00.006-05:00

Woah readers, crazy times!

I'm again postponing my heartbeat-raising review of Howling III: The Marsupials to later this week so I can give you a quick update on things around the Tirade Headquarters.

Today was a crazy day to be livin'. We got a huge president speech and another wacky product from Apple that could change us forever or something. Or the way we live somehow. Whatever.

Basically, Apple upgraded Moses' idea from back in the Bible ages. We all know that God could have easily made the iPad back then, but you've got to admit that it was way more dramatic to have those giant slabs of concrete with his message carved into 'em with lasers or welding torches. Now that I think about it, he probably used lightning bolts.

Anyway, Moses and company would have probably mistook the iPad for some kind of alien technology, and ignored God's law... and that would have led to a world a lot less awesome. Or... some of the smartest Bible-times scientists would have taken the technology and developed this whole new society of advanced gadgets.

Next time you stumble up on some phone booth that can travel through time, consider buying one of those iPads and handing it over to King David of Judah and see what happens for the hell of it. Might be a cool experiment, I don't know.

Anyway, moving on somehow, the name of this thing has set fire to the entire internet. There's about 10,000 billion blogs that you can read about the "iPad," and most of them have—for some reason—made connections between this new device and a feminine hygiene product. Some of the craziest can be found at this site, which is a woman's magazine. Feel free to head over there and discover how many thoughtful connections can be made between a cutting-edge piece of advanced technology and period blood.

Let's face the music, America: it's time to grow the hell up.

Moving on... the big State of the Union address was pretty intense tonight. We had a guy throwing down some serious claims of reform, goals and ideas of progress, sternly warning us of harsh consequences, reminding us of the failures and successes of past administration and delivering some pretty inspiring words of hope. ...And a whole giant group of guys in business suits sarcastically laughing at him.

Pretty weird time to be living in the USA, but some stuff never changes. I sure hope it all works out, though.

Editor's note: That's about as far as my State-of-the-Union commentary goes. The Tirade doesn't discriminate based on political stances or views, so if you think you can throw down some argument about the State of our Union, remember that this blog is for horror movies, horseshit pop culture commentary and other things that define me as being a gigantic geek. The Tirade is a magical entity that has its own health care system and clean energy. So unless you can somehow skew some political rhetoric into a movie about werewolves with pouches and giant heads, I'm not interested, bud.

So it's with all that stuff that I'm proud to present the first annual McClane Tirade State of the Union Address.

Second editor's note in the same blog post: It's important that while you read this, you imagine it being read by President Barak Obama. He's got the kind of voice that gets things done, and that's the kind of voice I need for MY address. So imagine he's the one reading this to you and it'll go down a lot smoother.

It's been an interesting year full of challenging topics and bone-crunching opinions on this blog. I set out to say a bunch of stuff about nothing, and I've succeeded in getting us there time and time again.

I never said it would be easy to write about giant snake movies, Friday the 13th films, Jessica Simpson's eviscerated dog and other useless pop culture events. However, I pushed through. I did what I had to do to keep things going, and for the most part, I've endured.

Sure, there have been naysayers along the way. There have been people who've not agreed with the wood background or oversized header at the top. To those people I say this:

Nobody ever got ahead by not using an oversized header or textured background. When you have a readership of more than 200 million people every week like I do, it's going to be impossible to please everyone. Sure, my header and wood background might not be the equivalent to me handing you a big bowl of orgasm ice cream with a g-spot spoon sprinkled with titties, solid-gold sprinkles and diamond sauce, but dammit, it's a start.

It's a start to our future.

Together we can continue to improve the Tirade. We can make it into something more powerful than any of us thought we could probably ever imagine. Together we can continue to write extremely obnoxious run-on sentences full of needless adjectives and juvenile adverbs that indefinitely continue to make this blog bigger than even Danny Trejo's giant chest tattoo.

But it doesn't stop there.

No, readers, it would be easy to say that writing a bunch of sentences full of nouns and verbs and stuff can change the way we perceive modern blogging about nothing. It would be easy to make false claims that I can provide coupons that you can print off to get free oil changes or breast augmentation surgeries. It would be easy to say that if you continue to read this blog, your sex powers will improve to levels that you would have never thought existed. It would be easy to say that after reading only a few posts, you'll be able to please your sweet, special lover in ways that you've only read about in Kama Sutra books and Danielle Steel novels.

But no. It takes more than that.

It takes passion and resolve to bring change. It takes a magical dagger or knife protected by a bunch of monks in some mountain stronghold.

It takes sacrifice. Not only the kind of sacrifice that calls for you to leave behind the things you love the most... but the kind where you take a giant bull and cut its head off with a chainsaw.

It takes a priest of some kind... or some guy in a robe disguised as a priest... to say a bunch of nonsense about power or strength or destiny before pulling the cord and firing up the engine on the aforementioned chainsaw.

It takes some kind of pan, or bowl or bucket or something to catch all the blood that's more than likely going to pour out of the cow's neck. It'll take a shop rag or hand towel to make sure a bunch of that blood doesn't stain or permanently damage your carpet.

It takes a man. It takes a man to stand at the door of your barn or arena or garage or whatever and collect money from the cult members that you've brainwashed with the whole bull sacrifice thing. It takes a good accountant to manage the proceeds from your cult meeting and then invest them into something lucrative. Like coal.

If we continue along this path... If we continue to strive to be more than just people who read about giant snake movies and other horror films... if we continue on a route to success and honor and steel and iron...

We can change the world.

Ladies and gentleman, God bless you all and God bless the McClane Tirade.

P.S. Remember to come back soon for the review of Howling III: The Marsupials!

LeBron James = Smoke Monster

2010-01-21T02:09:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I'm about to type this, but...

Hey NBA fans, welcome to the Tirade.

Yeah, this blog doesn't shed much light on the sports world. Other than ripping on some coach or studying the after-effects of long-term, intense skeet shooting, I don't delve into the wide world of sporting activities.

It's not that I'm some kind of pussy, mind you—I just find bad horror movies, giant snakes, hilarious news stories and idiot celebrities way more fun to write about. I'm what they call your "casual sports fan." It's a lot safer this way. I basically just enjoy the hell out of sports, don't obsess over anything and always have a great time whether I win or lose. Sounds cliché, I know, but so was the act of boning your mom last night, so back off.

Anyway, my friend Michael Tribble sent a link my way today to a Bill Simmons column. I've read a bunch of his stuff in the past and picked up his podcast a few times (namely when he has Chuck Klosterman pay him a visit), and the guy never ceases to entertain.

This is an amazing profile piece on LeBron James that I wanted to share, because it's just so fun and so well written. I don't follow the NBA at all, especially the Cavs, but Simmons' style made me a believer.

Go check out the goods and let the charisma soak you like a tidal wave of delicious Pabst Blue Ribbon.

- Super-coordinated, mutant 4-year-old dealing with a severe sugar rush

P.S. Yes, I my review for The Howling III: The Marsupials is still on the way, I haven't forgotten about you and your thirsting addiction for more lame horror. Sit tight.

It Came from URANUS!!!!

2010-01-15T01:51:00.004-05:00

Hey guys,

The other night I was lucky enough to catch a viewing of "Howling III: The Marsupials."

Let me tell you right now... that movie is unbelievable. I'm not sure if I've ever seen anything like it. In terms of hilarity for being awful, it's a 9 out of 10. I really want to come back to this and write a longer post about my experience with the film, but for now I'm going to leave you with this amazing teaser trailer to get you pumped up for my full review that's coming soon.

Towards the beginning of the film, our hero takes his woman to the theater to experience her very first horror movie. This is the film they watch:

Take that to your kitchen, put it in a pot and boil it up for supper. That's only a taste of the brilliance of this piece of art.

Full review is comin' on down the line.

Happy Friday!

-M

Kiffin Commentary

2010-01-12T23:55:00.011-05:00

Hey blog team action force!!

Man, crazy day today, huh? I don't know where you are in the world right now, but there's some crazy things happening in Knoxville. (Seriously crazy.)

Surprise! University of Tennessee head football coach Lane Kiffin bails on Knoxville, takes a job across the country and solidifies himself as being one of the biggest dicks of the entire sports industry. To me, this is awesome. I have no idea if you know this, but I am not a fan of these UT guys.

I've always seen these UT people as pure comedy. It's always so interesting how sports—college football in particular—can really turn into a fantastic soap opera. The hilarity of this stuff never fails to entertain... exactly the way Young and the Restless entertains the housewives and super hot chicks of America. (Heads up, Lisa.)

Anyway, I've never loved this Kiffin guy, and that's no jive. From the first few games (and specifically press conferences) I thought this guy was Superintendent of the Shitface Schoolboard. The trash talking, piss-poor etiquette and rude cadence always offended me, mostly because Knoxville is where I live. I'm not even a Vols fan, but when a guy gets on National Television representing my city and simultaneously gets mentioned in Lil Wayne tracks for being a dick... I kinda feel like Knoxville is getting the shaft.

Anyway, today he made the announcement that he's bolting out of here, and apparently Knoxville has gone apeshit. Check out this fantastic picture of the acclaimed and infamous rock on UT's campus, for example.

Somebody blogged earlier about the crazy riots on campus and how the cops had to whip out the tear gas amongst flaming mattresses and Molotov cocktails, and that's something straight out of a Children of Men film. (Check these videos for a quick reference of the size of this thing:)

Facebook and Twitter have been in-sane tonight. Some of the best commentary of the night has come from random posts. Here's a few terrific ones for your viewing pleasure, copied and pasted in their glory:

_____________________________________

Pat Forde of ESPN on why USC chose Kiffin: "After DeRio, Jeff Fisher, Sarkisian, etc. turned the job down, they're pretty much down to the D-List of coaching options."

Confirmed by several UT players: as Lane was making the announcement to the team, they could hear Ed making calls in the back room to UT recruits telling them they have scholarships at USC. I would rather lose every game then have a snake like Kiffin coaching our boys.

heard they just tear gassed the students waiting on that POS Kiffin to leave the football complex and that Will Muschamp is choice #1 as next coach. Rumor he will accept. We could salvage this thing if we can keep Thompson, Kippy, and take Garner grom UGay. Oh yeah I hope Orgeron has a stroke from Red Bull. He text our early enrollees about 7pm tonight telling them to not go to class tomorrow & to go to USC

hopes the reporters told Lane just where they would like to shove their cameras..... 30 seconds of video my a**....... I say make the pirate a vol!!! Bring in Leach!

Lane Kiffin lives on Tooles Bend Road? Appropriate. Okay, I'm done. Goodnight!

My favorite quote from a pissed off Vol fan on Lane Kiffin's fan page: "May the fleas of a 1000 camels infest your underpants."

I hope Tiger banged Layla

Oh yes it is good to be a fan of a team that is not the Tennessee Volunteers. GO BLUE (MTSU and Michigan)

Maybe Tyler Smith & Nukeese Richardson will help Lane get out of town safely.

ESPN just showed his 1 min press conference. He said that he is leaving 14 months after his arrival and leaving a far better team than was here when he arrived. Bullshit Lane!

Vol fans...boy did we get screwed, hahahaha.

Thanks for pooping on my birthday Lane Kiffin

Gotta wonder about Kiffin's backup plan for all this mess. I hope he has like a super awesome A-Team style van that's like bulletproof with iron plates and bars for driving anywhere in the region. Or maybe like a robot clone that can go to the grocery store and take axe to the neck with no harm.

What a coincidence! WBIR interrupted The Biggest Loser for Kiffin's press conference! The two kinda go together!

Aw, shucks! I was looking forward to another lackluster season and a porous defense and dozens of secondary recruiting violations. Dangit.

Dear Lane Kiffin, We hate you. Love, The Vols.

this Kiffin news annoys me...maybe will be lucky enough to see his short career end at USC, or catch a stray bullet from a gang war, either one is fine with me...Traitor!..any ideas on a potential replacement?

And the Doucher of the year goes to... LANE KIFFIN!!! This message was brought to you by Dish Network

_____________________________________

Now THAT'S entertainment!

Anyway, I'm really glad that a guy who's been a poor representative of my city is finally setting sail. Later Kiff man, don't let the door hit ya on the way out, sucka.

Happy Wednesday fools!

-M

New Slamdot Site is Live!

2010-01-11T10:27:00.004-05:00

Hey guys,

Quick post this morning to let you know that the all-new Slamdot website is finally live! Click on the image below or right here to view the new site.

This represents a lot of work on everybody's part, from the code to the support to the customer service to the design, and we're extremely proud to have it up as a true representation of our company. Big props to owner and programmer Sean Christman for being the Swiss Army Knife of the web development world!

Have a great week, and if you're in the neighborhood for some affordable hosting or site design, drop me a line and we can make it happen!

Cheeeeeers!

-M

Happiness.

2010-01-09T15:28:00.003-05:00

Hey guys,

I've been pretty happy lately, but not as happy as this guy pictured below.

Yeah, yeah, I know, The Tirade doesn't usually stoop to the levels of posting stupid pictures, but I'm in a good mood today and this shot makes me smile.

Happy Saturday!!

-M

P.S. Plus, it's way cool that the crazy old guy with the huge cactus pecker up there has a color scheme that goes perfectly with the new background on the blog. This is like total design harmony here. It's kind of awesome how life works out sometimes.

G-Spot anyone?

2010-01-06T00:39:00.006-05:00

Hey sex fans,

The guys at CNN never cease to impress me. After running Jessica Simpson wild in 2009, they've whipped out an amazing new story to kick off 2010 with a giant-sized orgasm.

Does the G-Spot really exist?

Scientists are hilarious, man. From human genitalia to baby galaxies, it seems like they just never run out of crap to study. Face it, there's a crack team of scientists out there right now diligently studying gobs of decomposed human bones that some meteorite-stricken radioactive shark shit out of its system somewhere in Iceland. And that's just the beginning.

Anyway, these guys are research machines, and CNN loves to tack stories like these onto their daily roster of carnage. It's actually GREAT to see a headline about female orgasms and magic fairy tale erogenous zones next to the stories about murderers and terrorists. I have absolutely no complaints about that choice of editorial filler.

So does this wondrous place of ecstasy really exist somewhere in there? Every single lady that I've known (biblically speaking) in my life (two), have all had completely different thoughts on the subject. It's kind of cool that CNN definitely and objectively smashes head on into this subject matter like an out-of-control battering ram.

I was kind of sad that CNN didn't give some props to the G-Spot's very own website, which is hilariously informative. However, if you're reading this at work... beware of treading into Adult Content Town. There could be some medical illustrations of vaginas that'll induce a variety of uncomfortable and/or awesome reactions from your boss.

The Tirade doesn't discriminate based on G-Spots, so if you've never experienced the mind-shattering, tidal-wave powers of this legendary catapult of euphoria, don't worry. Never give up hope of finding the legend. Dude, if Indiana Jones can find some busted ark full of demons and scrolls or some temple of doom, you can totally get your treasure on.

But guys: don't be worried if your special lady doesn't have one of these units. You might think it's because she's mentally retarded, a recent sex-change patient, some robot, an alien or a weird scientific experiment gone wrong... but God made us all differently for some reason. This totally applies to G-spots too.

Some wise old man once told me that the journey was actually the best part of the quest or something like that. I think he probably meant to say that all the fun is in the search. Or he was just wondering the halls of the nursing home chanting out random stuff about dairy farming and everything that's involved in owning a junk yard business.

(Yeah, you just think I'm kidding.)

Take it from him and me... the G-Spot is out there somewhere.

Go get it in 2010.

-M

Dodgem Logic!

2010-01-03T18:46:00.003-05:00

Hey late 80's and early 90's comic book fans,

It's really a shame that the more commercial crap is made of Alan Moore's work, the more people dislike the man. Hollywood folks paint this horrible picture of the guy... the disgruntled author who refuses to take part in any film ventures made of his work (even going so far as rejecting massive royalties). He's supposedly this bitter recluse who hates people and disapproves of any expansion of his ideas. He gets crap slung at him from all directions these days.

Yeah, well... I believe in Alan Moore. His work just isn't cut out for the movies. For proof of this, just look at the theatrical track record. I'm not listing those crap movies out here, hit up an IMDB search and knock yourself out.

I'll always side with the guy when it comes to Hollywood snatching up his work. I can't understand who wouldn't side with my opinion when I say this, but if I had worked for years and years on projects that defined me as a 20th Century icon... only to have some company and dumbass director (yeah, YOU Norrington) take my work, butcher it to pieces, change it all around, disrespect it, compact it into a quarter of its running time and show it to triple its original audience in a completely different medium... I'd be mad as almighty hell too. It's like taking a damn Roy Liechtenstein painting and turning it into a wacky madcap Saturday morning cartoon.

The further and further I get away from that Watchmen movie, the more I hate the fact it was even made. I believe it was Terry Gilliam who once said (after merely thinking of directing a Watchmen film) that Alan Moore's work was truly made for no other medium than comic books. A true Watchmen film could never work (and a true Watchmen fan would agree with me!!). The structure, the storytelling, everything... it's made as an original art form.

I guess that Snyder guy wanted to prove him wrong by making a carbon-copy of the original book... but does that movie even really work as a movie?? I guess a lot of people love it, but to me it just feels like some Bizarro World version of the real story. Poor-man's Watchmen in my opinion. Don't like it, and I'm kinda mad at myself for buying the damn thing on DVD. I would send Moore my refund money, but he probably wouldn't take it either.

Since fighting his way through the shitstorm of having his own babies' arms ripped off and maliciously thrown at him, the guy just keeps on getting more and more fascinating through the years. Like him or not, the guy's ideas have always been 10 miles ahead of the curve. Sure, they're mostly weird as hell, but you can't argue with me that they've been original.

Now the guy's got this new project brewing in his creepy Northampton kettle, and it's an extremely interesting independent magazine. Read all about it here.

WIRED does a wonderful job, as usual, of covering this new milestone through a fantastic interview with the man. I just wanted to share the link and sling a little Tirade opinion in the mix.

Also I'd urge you to enjoy this clip... definitely one of the most in-sane things I've ever seen in my entire life on this planet:

I might just go back and read my copy of Saga of the Swamp Thing #21: "The Anatomy Lesson" tonight. With that piece, Moore came on board the title and took a busted, hilariously bad comic and turned it into a freight train of incredible literature.

He's done it again and again and again... so how's his newest project going to fare?

YOU, the reader, decide.

-Alec Holland

2009 Favorites: ADDENDUM!

2010-01-03T01:26:00.007-05:00

Hey guys,

Man, this is a really lame thing to do at the last minute (and past deadline), but I've got to make a revision to my "Favorite Films" list of the decade.

Before some crazy squad of New Year's Police comes smashing through my windows and doors because I've broken the "2009 is over" law... I'm taking a stand on this one.

(500) Days of Summer.

I have no damn clue how this one escaped me in 2009. I'm throwing my opinion out at you like a deadly razor-blade frisbee... this movie is one of my favorites of the decade.

Here's how this is going to break down:

1. I'm booting Cameron Crowe off the list at #25. Elizabethtown served its purpose, did its time, and now it's free to go.

2. I'm moving everything up a notch.

3. I'm inserting (500) Days of Summer in spot #9.

"But Matt," you're probably asking, "Really? You're going to put this movie in front of all the other awesome films on your list and you've just now seen it?"

You might also ask, "Also, what will you be having for breakfast in the morning?"

Never fear readers, I've got the answers you've been looking for. First of all, I'll more than likely make myself a delicious bacon, egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast. I like the egg over-medium, so that after your first bite, that delicious yellow yolk erupts all over your face and hands and totally makes you feel like you're four years old again. If you're an egg fan. Or a fan of feeling like a messy kid again. If not, then go to hell.

Anyway, your next answer: because it was incredible.

I guess it's weird that I could talk more about an egg sandwich than a movie that just wrecked my whole life, but it's one of those "left me speechless" scenarios.

You know the ones, right? You watch some awesome speech, you meet someone who rips your perceptions to pieces, you listen to The Flaming Lips for the first time... etc. etc. That kind of thing happened with this movie, and I'll more than likely walk back into my living room in a second and watch the damn thing again.

That YouTube trailer up there? That's the cute, cuddly version of the film. Those marketing guys are kinda genius on that one. You think you're walking into a super trendy film about two people falling helplessly in love, but like the narrator clearly states: This is NOT a love story. And it's sure as hell not. This trailer is ten times more cool and masterfully edited:

I can draw comparisons to my life for miles and miles and miles... talk about how much I love The Smiths and what an integral part they play in the film... talk about how beautifully shot it is... talk about the unbelievably fun and interesting art that sneaks its way into frame after frame... discuss the pitch-perfect wardrobe and amazing style & look of every character... talk about how wonderfully three-dimensional every character is and how much I was invested in their emotions and accomplishments... or just say how badass Chloe Moretz is in general... but I totally digress.

This movie is my bacon, egg and cheese sandwich. Except this time machine doesn't go back to kindergarten, it goes back to most of my adult life.

I confidently put this film in my Top 10 of the decade without a hint of hesitation.

Now excuse me while I go take another bite.

-M

P.S. Chloe Moretz, you ask? Mark my words... you're going to fall in love with this chick this April when a little film called, "Kick-Ass" drops a nuclear bomb of awesome on your brains.

P.P.S. One of my most favorite sequences of the entire decade:

2010: The Comeback

2009-12-30T19:25:00.008-05:00

Hey guys, here we go again.

Before I dig in to this post like a underpaid graveyard groundskeeper, I want to direct you guys to travel back in time with me to the end of 2008.

Please click this link and skim over my predictions for 2009.

There are some pretty interesting things in that post, namely the part where Arnold Schwarzenegger apparently appears to me in some dream or vision or premonition or something and tells me that the upcoming year is going to suck.

Well guess what? Next time you have a premonition from Arnold Schwarzenegger, you better freakin' listen. The exact quote from my blog:

"2009 is going to be a big ass bottle of lemon juice splashed into my eyeballs with a fire hose."

Yeah, for the most part... it sure as hell was, Mr. Schwarzenegger.

This was a bit of a rough year in McClane Territory. While I could easily go through all the stupid decisions, mistakes, deaths, tragedies, missteps and screw ups, I'll instead carry a ten-ton bag of lessons learned into 2010. Because even though 2009 was a lame year all around, I did in fact learn some pretty awesome lessons.

See, I didn't really learn any important life lessons in 2008 to carry into the new year. 2008 was sort of the year that time forgot. I don't even remember what I DID in 2008. Was I trapped in some bunker that entire year while my robot clone was out living my life? Apparently it's shrouded in mystery or something.

I think it was pretty horrible, but I just let it go and buried it away.

I didn't take any valuable life knowledge into this year, I just sort of fell into it. I was pushed into this big pit of lions without any knives or guns or weapons. Schwarzenegger knew it. He knew I should have had at least a bo staff or something. But I didn't. I just wondered into 2009 like an escaped nursing home patient on the lamb. In a freakin' hospital gown.

Well, by God, not THIS time. 2009 put me through all kinds of hell, and that's what leads me into my NEXT statement:

2010 is going to be a whole world full of opportunity, excitement, change and personal achievements. I will experience diversity, death and challenges... but unlike 2009, I will meet any experience head on like a professional and turn every single setback into a strength.

I will endeavor to quickly remove any element in my life that's either holding me back, wasting my time, spitting negative energy at me like a fire hose or dropping red flags like an escaped special needs kid at a construction site.

Because 2009 was the year of red flags. And me carelessly ignoring them.

This year, if I see a red flag, even from a mile away, I will have already driven 10 miles around it and picked up a tasty milk shake from Hardee's en route.

I'm going to work super hard at my job in 2010 and learn as much as I can about an entirely new medium. For the first time in years, I have an opportunity to learn something 100% new in my career. That's a pretty exciting thought!

I'm going to invest more time in family. My grandad has been bouncing back and forth between hospitals and nursing homes throughout the past three months. Shattered hip, pneumonia, malnourishment, absolutely dementia and depression. It's incredibly tough to see a man go from a highly intelligent, thoughtful, amazingly talented and confident man to a guy who can't even remember your name, why you're there or where he is in the world. While lying in that hospital bed, he lives in dreams these days. Last week he was worrying himself sick about whether or not he'll be able to compete in a huge golf tournament in Texas.

I don't care where his mind is or what he sees. He's my grandad, he's an amazing human being, and I'm going to be there with him all the way 'til the end.

I'm going to stick close to my mother in 2010. She's one of the best friends I've ever had, and she's having to manage and deal with so many difficult things right now. In 2010 I will be her support, her life raft and her friend. Whatever she needs, she'll have it from me in a heartbeat.

There are a lot of other targets that I have my sights set on this year, but I'm not jinxing anything. Amidst all the chaos of finally wrapping up a year of crap in 2009, this new decade will bring success, confidence, new adventures and new perspectives.

In the month of January, 2000, I moved to a new city all by myself and re-built who I was from scratch. The first four years of this decade were incredible. If I knew then what I know now... the rest of it would have been just as great.

This time, I'm surrounded by amazing friends, an inspirational family and wonderful professional opportunities. I have bucket loads of lessons & changed perspectives in my pocket with an open mind full of ideas, aspirations and attainable goals.

My grandad might not be able to see this new decade coming, but he's inspired me more than he'll ever know to live it up, breathe it in and make it the best.

Here's to the future, y'all. Let's follow my friend Margaret's comment from the 2009 blog post:

"2010 is going to rock!"

Cheers!

-McClane V.2

Big Swede in 2010

2009-12-28T13:33:00.004-05:00

Hey magazine and custom publishing fans,

My friend Matt Hendrickson is one hell of a writer. A staff writer and editor at Rolling Stone magazine in the mid-to-late 90's, Matt wrote cover stories on Green Day, Pearl Jam and Rage Against the Machine and also covered the 1999 Columbine High School shootings.

He'd later go on to write for multiple national magazines and is currently a steady writer for Garden and Gun and Details.

In 2003 he formed his own company, Big Swede Media, where he provides consulting, copy writing and a massive variety of custom publishing projects. His corporate clients include MTV, Time, Inc., Hearst and Sports Development Corporation.

So why am I plugging the hell out of this dude and his stuff? Because I just finished work on Big Swede Media's new website this morning.

I upgraded the site to a newer, bigger and bolder Web 2.0 design that keeps it simple while making a statement.

Visit Big Swede Media now to check out the new design.

Here's to the Swede in 2010!!

-M

Things we don't need in 2010

2009-12-28T12:12:00.001-05:00

Hey guys,

In even more preparation for the 2010 switch, my friend Joe Powell just made one of the best New Year's posts ever. I'd urge you to visit his blog and read his top list of things we don't need in 2010.

I love it!

-M

Fashionable People in 2009

2009-12-28T11:56:00.005-05:00

Hey guys,

In case you need some inspiration for making your "Favorite Stuff in 2009" list, check out this really sweet video that my friend Dale put together recently of all our friends.

Taking a ton of photos throughout the year helps with this type of thing, so if you don't have your camera ready for 2010, get your ass out of Procrastination Station and start snappin'.

Enjoy this Joel Plaskett Emergency fiasco:

The rampage to 2010 rolls on!!

McClane has left the building!!

Decade Favorites: MUSIC

2009-12-23T04:22:00.001-05:00

Hey people who love music and making sweet love to bears!

On the 101st post on the Tirade, I'll be throwing down the hammer on my favorite 25 albums of the decade. A lot of you guys sent in your emails, letters and made threatening remarks regarding my film choices, but you can't argue with emotion, suckers!

It's extremely important to know that these albums are not the "25 BEST."

If I wanted to make a list of the BEST albums of the decade, I think I'd need a solid month to do nothing but cage myself in my room with an iPod packed with music that the media tells me is good and try my best to decipher what's actually worth a damn.

Plus, I'm not a music surgeon or some kind of enthusiast. Hell no, I don't even play an instrument. I'd have no idea what even qualifies or by what criteria to judge a "BEST" album. The pieces you see below are just my favorite pieces that I've collected over the years that have been my faithful companions through thick and thin.

These are my FAVORITES.

My ranking method is actually based on time spent with each album, how it touched me in some way at some point in my life, how I used it to lift myself up amidst some crisis, how it comforted me in weird situations and how it motivated me to either get work done, kick ass, physically move something, run, stab, hike, love, yell, sleep or get away. You know what I mean. I'm sure you can think of 10,000 other reasons to listen to some song.

The point is, these albums are personal. This ranking isn't for the Billboard Music Charts, Rolling Stone magazine or even you. This is just what I dig.

Enjoy it.

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25. North Mississippi Allstars | Shake Hands With Shorty | 2 0 0 0

Thank you, Chris Pickey. I picked up this album from you at the DNJ and wore it completely out that year. I think it kept me sane amongst some of the most hilarious newspaper office moments in the history of my career.

Shake Hands With Shorty has this awesome sound that reminds me so much of the times in college when my buddies and I would sit around playing music for our (immediately cancelled) public access TV show. I never could afford drums, so I just busted out a bunch of buckets and beat the living hell out of 'em like some Las Vegas "Stomp" show. Except instead of nice big trash cans and stuff, I just stole the buckets my dad used to fill up his coonhounds' water bowls.

This album totally captures that spirit of fun music making; you can tell these guys laughed it up while recording this. Hell, they might have even used some buckets too. You never know, and neither do I. I don't stalk these guys, how should I know?

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24. N.E.R.D. | In Search Of | 2 0 0 2

By the recommendation of Tommy Forrester, I dove right in to this piece of hilarity. Do you take it seriously? Do you even care? "Am I High" is worth the price of the album download. While I think the "Lapdance" song is a bit overrated, I stick to my "Bobby James" guns and realize I'm just one hit away from being passed out.

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23. Rebel Son | Declaration of Disaffection | 2 0 0 7

Tip of the hat to Jared McClane here. When he introduced me to this band this year, my perceptions were shattered and my life suddenly changed for the better. This could be one of the funniest albums I've ever heard in my entire life and a true representation of a modern, take-no-shit man's man country philosophy.

While their best tracks are scattered throughout their entire album discography, this piece in particular has some of my very favorite songs. I encourage you to click the button above and listen to their "medley" MP3 file on their site.

It could also be one of the most self-aware post-break-up honky tonk albums ever made. This is the kind of music you listen to right before a really massive bar fight. With knives and concrete cinder blocks. But in the end, everybody would just stop and laugh, because life is awesome.

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22. French Kicks | Swimming | 2 0 0 8

Ah man, this is the kind of album that I throw in when driving around really curvy roads and/or straight ones. Of all these albums, this one is the most fun for driving and singing way off key. The high-energy percussion and weird ass melodic arrangements give you no choice but to hum or sing along, and even if you have no idea what's being said, you sing anyway.

Luckily when the windows are rolled down (summertime, please) nobody (especially you) can tell how horrible you sound. For example, there's a wonderful moment in the first track, Abandon,—right at the top of the build—where you have a wide-open license to just scream "AAAAAAHHHHHHAAAHHAAAA" and it really, really feels good.

It'll feel especially good to the poor bastard sitting next to you in the passenger's seat.

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21. Loretta Lynn | Van Lear Rose | 2 0 0 4

Oh Loretta, why are you so amazing? Sure, all these folks point at this album and look over at some big tree that Jack White is hiding behind. He's probably waving back there a little bit, but even that fool will tell you that Loretta's the one with the goods. A gorgeous lady with a gorgeous voice... her songs have a really weird way of sneaking into your brain and just making everything connect. Especially if you happen to be from the country, and I sure as hell am. It's really ironic that this is probably one of the only true country albums released in 10 years and it was produced by a blues-lovin' rock and roll mastermind. I got no complaints. This is a beautiful piece of work.

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20. Justin Timberlake | FutureSex / LoveSounds | 2 0 0 6

No, this isn't a typo. Timberlake is the real deal. Beautiful women love to dance to this album and I love to dance with beautiful women who love to dance to this album. I should actually be writing this guy thank you letters for some of the best parties I've had— this side of the damn decade. (That's right awesome 2007 Halloween party. I'm not forgetting you.)

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19. Thrice | The Alchemy Index Vols. 1 & 2 Fire and Water | 2 0 0 7

As concept albums go with pretty cool concepts, this album has me sold like a delicious bass at a fish market. The first half? Fiery tracks that make you want to light up some Molotov cocktail and throw it through one of your enemy's headquarters. The second half? Songs that put you in a trance state of total euphoria and sooth you like cold water after working some landscaping job for 10 hours straight in the desert. Any album that takes you on a journey from a lethal microwave to a Gilette aftershave commercial is a-okay by me.

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18. Mos Def | The New Danger | 2 0 0 4

This man continues to take hip hop to higher and more awesome levels. When this album landed in my lap in 2004, I was going through some major life changes. This man's transition from your typical "bounce-up-and-down" beats to "pumping your fist and smashing out car windows before making sweet love to your girlfriend" sound just blew my mind and perfectly synced up with my life at the time. "Sex, Love & Money" must have been the theme song on my iPod for three months straight. (Key track, however: "Ghetto Rock." Unbelievable.)

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17. Apollo Up! | Chariots of Fire | 2 0 0 6

I bought this album on its release to support my buddy Jay Phillips because I've always been a huge fan of Jay first and his music second. What I didn't quite expect, however, was how unbelievably good this damn thing is. This thing is good. It's been interesting for me to see Jay go from a guy who had a real passion for all things music to a f'n nuclear bomb of talent. Not long after I'd been listening to it, I'd completely forgotten that it was my old buddy Jay who was singing. The album went way beyond "my friend's band" to "this is one of my favorite albums of the entire damn decade because it rocks my freakin' socks off." I could be biased, but I'm not. This thing is good.

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16. Taking Back Sunday | Where You Want To Be | 2 0 0 4

Going through some weird, dramatic break up or severing ties to someone close is a big fried pan of shit pulled straight out of an oven and seasoned with 100 tablespoons of hell. I sure went through one of those cooking sessions in 2004, and this album probably saved my life on more than one occasion.

Uh huh. This album. Shut up.

Anyway, I could always, in some strange way, identify with any and all of the weird situations and emotional statuses that these guys sing about. I know that doesn't sound too technical, but I'm not kidding. In a way, these weird complicated aggressive songs would make me feel better about anything I was dealing with at the time. They weren't close enough to me to pull out a hard response, but they were relatable and fun. (Key track: "I Am Fred Astaire")

I will stand up on some tree stump to lobby against this album being labelled as "emo." Man, it just doesn't go all the way. It's got some emotion flying out of it like a blender with no lid on, but it holds it together with no suicidal tendencies. That's good enough for me. This ain't no "Chemical Romance" or whatever.

Whatever that is.

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15. Pete Yorn | Musicforthemorningafter | 2 0 0 1

In my opinion, this album is seriously appropriately titled. It's one of those rare collections that I can just sit and listen to from beginning to the end without a single hold up, sour face or disinterest... and it always sounds the best -post some weird situation or stupid encounter. In a really weird way, this album has kind of served as my toolbox for the decade. I can always reach in this thing and pull out something that'll help me fix a problem. Thanks, Pete, for helping me with that sink problem. Also for that awesome video where you run all over the city like a maniac.

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14. Sufjan Stevens | Illinoise | 2 0 0 5

The first time I listened to this album in full, my exact reaction (and I do believe I said this out loud in the CityView Magazine basement in 2006) was, "What in the hell IS this shit???"

All the critics say it's the best album ever made, or of the decade, or something. If you want to put your trust in those guys, it's up to you. I'd probably say they're right, though. Sufjan opened up a big window for me, and it was called, "They Are Night Zombies!! They Are Neighbors!! They Have Come Back From the Dead!!! Aaahhh!!"

After hearing that song, I was sold. Suddenly I understood exactly what this maniac was doing. I went back and listened again... and then again.. and pretty soon I was totally in love. I really wish that stupid Little Miss Sunshine movie hadn't stolen one of his cooler tracks for itself, though. Now every time I hear that fantastic song I just picture that bus or sunshine or some little girl or Greg Kinnear or something.

At the end of the day, this really is one of the most innovate, creative and batshit in-sane pieces of music ever produced, and it hypnotized me like one of Biggie Smalls' video hoes.

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13. Wolf Parade | Apologies to Queen Mary | 2 0 0 5

Every time I hear a song from this album it feels like I'm opening up a big energy drink can and slamming the hell out of it. But it doesn't stop there. From out of the can comes all these really cool colors and they're carrying a bunch of stuff I love. I see Arnold Schwarzenegger riding a unicycle with a jacket covered in sequins, a polar bear with a shotgun and a leather biker jacket, some steak, a really fast moving bullet train on fire and some mystery woman in a Zorro mask with this big beautiful smile carrying the entire Friday the 13th boxed set collection.

Basically, this album is everything I love. It's packed with energy, excitement and fun... and I've managed to keep it disassociated from a single person, place or thing that would otherwise taint it and take my mind off how creative the music actually is. I love those crazy Canadians.

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12. Alexisonfire | Crisis | 2 0 0 6

I'll be honest with you here, I just discovered this album in 2007 and it hasn't been far away from my CD player or iTunes for more than a week at a time. This thing just stands tall. For my part, the experience of listening to this band is like going in a boxing ring with Kimbo Slice and Mandy Moore. On one hand you have this terrifying monster of a man who could rip your arms off and use them as toothpicks... and on the other side there's this gorgeous woman who you want to take to dinner, cuddle up with next to some fire and then read some kind of poetry with before getting it on while listening to some Al Green song.

Unfortunately, you won't get to first base before Slice catches you by surprise and breaks your jaw in two like a fortune cookie. Is the whole experience disorienting and/or sometimes exhausting? Sure. Is it worth it? Lord yes.

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11. The White Stripes | Elephant | 2 0 0 3

Look, there's not a whole ton I can say about this album here that you don't already know. It's loud, it's quiet, it's powerful and it's delicate. You can sit down to listen and suddenly realize that you've been listening for the past five hours and it's been looping over and over again. "But what happened?" you'll ask. I'll tell you what happened. You totally blacked out for five hours. You wanna know what happened while you were out? A five-hour-long orgasm.

Followed abruptly by the ghost of Ed McMahon rushing into the room to give you your check for 10 million dollars. And he's riding on a magic carpet wearing a badass Harley Davidson helmet.

Anyway, this album is really, really good.

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10. Deftones | White Pony | 2 0 0 0

I remember the very second I put this album into the CD player in 2000.

It wasn't my car, though. It belonged to the woman I was crazy in love with. It was a maroon car, which was awesome at the time. We rolled down the windows and let this amazing ocean breeze blow through one window to the next while driving down a road running parallel to the Atlantic Ocean, all the while blasting the hell out of this album.

It was late at night, but there were still lights shining and reflecting across the hood of the car and through the windshield. I remember closing my eyes and hearing the pounding drums of "Digital Bath" while a voice that screamed "And tonight.... I feel like more" came crashing into my head and across my body like a tidal wave. Goosebumps on my arms and salt in the wind. My hair being tossed around in 40 directions. A beautiful human being sitting beside me with a smile on her face.

I knew while I was experiencing that moment that I'd always remember it, and every time I hear this album I think of those moments of total exhilaration. Dreams aren't laid out that well.

It could be slightly ironic, I suppose—considering this album is extremely violent, relentless and provoking... but so is every Friday the 13th movie ever made... and they bring me more comfort than a heating blanket in a snow storm. Don't knock it until you try it.

Maybe you should just listen to the infamous 911-knife-attack-phone-call track, "Knife Party," crank it up to level 11 and set the sleep timer.

Also a winner: "Passenger." That's the part of the album where Maynard James Keenan teaches Chino Moreno how to sing properly.

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9. Fleet Foxes | Fleet Foxes | 2 0 0 8

This is a stunning album. In fact, you could stop what you're doing and grab the nearest thesaurus. Look up the word "beautiful" and list out every single synonym you can find... after a few paragraphs and bathroom breaks, you'll have slightly pegged how amazing I think this piece is. It's the stuff of magic, and even though I sound like one of those LARP guy weirdos when I say that, I really do mean it. Because it is.

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8. Talib Kweli | Quality | 2 0 0 2

Just pure hip hop at its finest moments ever. This guy's energy is off the scale. Every track flows together so well that's laid out exactly like an impressionistic painting. Up close it's this wonderful mix of beats and sounds all over the map. You get back and look at the total package and it all makes total sense. It's a perfect blend.

I mentioned the energy, but I'll mention it again right here in case you weren't paying attention. Each track is freakin' loaded with positive vibes and inspiring lines. Tracks like "Get by" and "Rush" are billboards for awesome, and try to not smile while listening to Kweli with Mos Def on "Joy." If you don't think that's a gorgeous song, you don't even have human organs. Where are you from, anyway?

You should go get in the "I don't have a soul" line and get your license to go straight to hell.

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7. Elliott Smith | New Moon | 2 0 0 7

In my opinion, this is as close we get to mid-to-late 90's vintage Elliott Smith. While nothing on earth comes close to touching his core era, this resurrected album can still easily bring a tear to my eye and a punch in my gut. Everybody knows that Smith had an extremely interesting perspective on life and songs like "Placeholder," "Going Nowhere" and "Almost Over" pull me into his world like a deadly pit of quicksand.

The revisitation of "Miss Misery" is absolutely amazing. It's almost like re-watching a movie and seeing things you didn't notice on the first round. Sometimes I'll be at work with the headphones in, and the song "Thirteen" will pop up. It's an emotional rampage as I try to pull myself away from memories of the 8th grade dance and the feeling of 100% naive, unchecked and reckless love while holding some chick's hand on the school bus.

Stop making fun of me, dammit, I'm an emotional guy.

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6. Thursday | Full Collapse | 2 0 0 1

So I'd just moved into my new home on the Sheep Farm in Lascassas, Tennessee, when a new friend of mine put this album in my hand. I guess it was the first time I'd really took a serious listen to the post-hardcore-crawling-into-deadly-emo-land territory music. For me, it was interesting and intense, and it gave me something new to latch on to and explore throughout my new experiences in a new city.

Also an important element for it being in my Top 10... this was the album in my CD player the day of the September 11th attack on New York City. I was rotating this record with the #2 album on my list during that entire time period, and it's really weird how you remember that stuff. The kind of loud, thunderous emotion that came banging out of this album was actually really cathartic for me. It was a weird time and it seemed to call for weird music.

However, the more time I spent with this band, the more I came to realize that these guys can transform into the Incredible Hulk when you're not paying attention and pummel the living life out of you.

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5. Atmosphere | Seven's Travels | 2 0 0 3

Atmosphere's Slug is one of the best lyricists on the planet Earth. Seriously, he just is. Dial that in on your radar and go there for your next vacation. He's the king of one-liners. His style is incredibly smooth, and it's absolutely amazing how his words flow together so seamlessly and seemingly effortlessly.

"Hello ma'am, would you be interested in some sexual positions and emotional investments? See, I'm not insane... in fact I'm kinda rational. When I be askin, yo, where did all the passion go?"

"God Bless America, but she stole the "B" from Bless."

"I gotta journey the world in a hurry, 'cause my attorney didn't put enough girls on the jury."

"I'm returning this Bleeding Hearts Club membership card, 'cause I want no mother fucking part of it."

"I wanna keep a clear sky and fly away like a meteor out of here, maybe next year I'll reappear."

"When I let them carry me to the cemetery I wanna be buried with a pocket full of clarity."

"I walk past with a nod and a reminisce, swear to God, hip hop and comic books were my genesis."

It was incredibly hard to nail down one favorite Atmosphere album for this list, because over the years I've collected my favorite tracks from multiple albums and made myself a series of mix CDs with nothing but Atmosphere music. It would take a mean sumbitch to take 'em away from me. If you get any ideas about trying anything you should know that I play for keeps.

I love Seven's Travels for the track "Always Coming Back Home to You," which is one of the more beautiful, true and powerful hip hop songs I've heard in my entire life.

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4. A Perfect Circle | Thirteenth Step | 2 0 0 3

Man this one came out of nowhere. Aside from being a near perfect collection of songs, this album helps me carry an entire set of awesome memories from the time I lived in Murfreesboro. I remember being at Matt Mitchell's house with this album cranked up to level 100, slamming cold beers and letting his Pit Bull drool all over me. As weird as that sounds, it was heaven in retrospect.

It's a perfect mix of everything I love in a rock and roll album. "The Package" comes tip toeing in the room when you've got your back turned... "Weak and Powerless" casually says hello, but in a very authoritative way. From "The Noose" to "The Nurse Who Loved Me," the album settles in, grabs a beer, puts its feet up on the coffee table and starts making some damn good conversation.

Suddenly, and without warning, "Pet" comes on and it turns your entire living room into shit. I'm saying that will rip up your grandmother's drapes, set your couch on fire, take your entire DVD collection outside with a shovel and bury it six feet under, take a bat to your mom's lava lamp and steal all your collector's edition beer coasters. It'll run out the door too... to savagely saw down some trees in your front yard... but before it leaves, it'll sing a nice "Lullaby" and bow out like one of those Von Trapp singer kids from The Sound of Music.

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3. Ryan Adams | Heartbreaker | 2 0 0 0

Ryan Adams is just an amazing songwriter. I'm not really sure what else I'm supposed to write here. He's been one of my very favorite artists of this entire decade because his range is so dynamic and his creativity is just off the chart. There's at least one or two songs on every single album he's put out that I'm just head over heels in love with.

If those songs were a woman, well, yeah, you know.

While he dug in and did his thing with Whiskeytown, this is the one that did the job. This album has such a grit to it with this amazing link between solid old school country and good 'ole rock and roll. While his styles and influences changed around from pop rock to near folk, he's always kept that same touching element that electrifies... while soothing you out, bud.

Editor's note: Plus, the guy married Mandy Moore, and yes, that's the second time she's popped up on this list. I swear it wasn't a conscious decision, but sometimes these things happen. Call the crush police, cuff me and book me, baby. I plead guilty on this one.

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2. Radiohead | Kid A | 2 0 0 0

What the hell kind of masterpiece is this? Throughout this list I've written stupid quips about these albums, usually violently comparing them to some force of belligerence. Not here, man. No, this thing is in its own league. Yeah, so OK Computer was one of the best albums of all time, sure... then they follow THAT thing up with this? I'm not sure I understood it at the time or could wrap my brain around it, but I couldn't get it out of my CD player.

I listened to it quite regularly through the aftermath of September 11, 2001, especially after all those weird rumors kept popping up about it being some insane prediction soundtrack for the entire affair. Chuck Klosterman's piece on this weird phenomenon is actually extremely interesting albeit terrifying.

What is it that makes it so different and powerful? Sure, it's a ballsy and brash movement that an infamous and amazing rock and roll band took towards total electronica, and I adore change... but I'm not sure that's what makes me love it so much. The energy is exploding from these tracks... even though it's completely soaked in lethargy. It's pulse pounding, exciting, mood bending and completely mystifying.

Maybe it's the logo?

Maybe I love it just because.

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1. Beck | Sea Change | 2 0 0 2

An album that just fits my decade. The past 10 years have been about changing, learning and repairing myself through trial and error, just like this album. It's magnificently touching because it's just so incredibly raw and honest. It's almost like Beck went to see this amazing therapist for a six hour session and he took us with him.

When I bought this thing in 2002, I would have no idea how valuable it would become for me throughout the next eight years. With so many failed relationships swirling around in a crystal ball, it really wouldn't be a shock if I made up a lie that I bought this album from some crazy old gypsy woman who predicted my future using my stolen wallet and some nearby store signage. If I had made that purchase based on her advice, I would go back there today and give her a hug.

To say that listening to these songs is some type of therapy would be a miss. This album is the melancholy of it all... the turning, dull edge of a knife cutting its way in there to find the spot that hurts the most. But through that honest pain comes a wonderful new perspective and a more broad way of thinking.

Maybe it is therapy after all? Or maybe it's just a guy who had a rough couple of years and wanted to tell us about it. Maybe it was a warning... a giant pile of yoga mats, cardboard boxes and inflatable pool floats waiting on my eventual fall from a 10-story building.

Or maybe it's something else. Maybe it's a good friend patting you on the back, letting you know that everything will be just fine.

Because it already is.

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Hope you fools enjoyed my big list rampage. There'll be more on the way, but we have to get through all that Christmas jazz first.

To everybody reading... have a wonderful set of holidays... you get nothing but love from The Tirade.

All the best in the whole world,

-Mr. McClane

P.S. I'll leave you with my very favorite music video of the entire decade. Enjoy!

Decade Favorites: FILM

2009-12-14T00:06:00.026-05:00

Hello readers, thanks for swinging by the Tirade!

This is the 100th post of 2009, and with it I'm super stoked to bring you the first of my "Best of the Decade" series. In the weeks leading up to 2010, I'll be posting up my favorite films, albums, career highlights and personal moments from the first decade of the new century.

We're going to start out with my 25 favorite films of the past 10 years. As a precursor, it's important to emphasize the word "favorite" here. This is a true mixed bag of artistic merit, exceptional achievement and random crap that I really enjoyed watching. The only criteria I've utilized here is my own love for these films.

A ton of times throughout the past 10 years I've walked out of a theatre or ejected a DVD out of my player and thought, "My good Lord that is the best film I've seen in a freakin' decade."

That could be true... but the real test for these kinds of movies, however, is time. I love every single film on this list, but their number ranking is strictly based on my urges to re-visit these worlds and re-experience them all over again. And again. And again. It's based on how they resonated with me throughout the years and how they reached in, squeezed my heart, melted my brain like mercury and cuddled with me softly through more than one lonely night.

For example... before you film geeks out there eat me alive for #25, be sure to read my commentary. These brief write-ups should explain why these films made the cut.

Without further delay, hop on the list train and let it take you to a dream world of magic.

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25. Elizabethtown

Cameron Crowe, 2005

2005 was the worst year of my entire life. I can write 20,000 words on that mess another day, but the reason Elizabethtown is on this list is because of the wonderful connection I felt to Drew Baylor. I can take or leave Orlando Bloom; the actor playing the part isn't what's important to me... it's what the character experiences.

Like Baylor, I always wanted to be a shoe designer growing up. (I swear it's true.) I was also jobless in 2005, but not because I nearly destroyed a multi-billion-dollar company with a bad design. I was, however, responsible for quite a few screw ups and like Baylor, also lost an important significant other.

With nothing left to his name, he returns to his roots... small country town full of family he hasn't seen in years and all the weirdness tacked on with it. When I'd lost all my stuff and ended up homeless, I traveled back home to New Market, TN to post up shop in my parents' garage and met the same kind of weirdness.

I could go on and on about our tragic parallels, but instead I'll focus on the good: Baylor finds his way and develops a relationship with his family. He meets a wonderful lady who inspires him and introduces a completely new life perspective. While I didn't have the woman part, I definitely had the awesome family... and I sure had this film. It's on my list because it gave me inspiration at a time when I needed it the most.

Plus, I loved the hell out of the soundtrack.

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24. The Royal Tenenbaums

Wes Anderson, 2001

Everybody loves this film for some reason or another, and they all usually involve Wes Anderson's trademark quirky style or randomly witty dialogue. I can do with or without that crap... It's on my list for only one reason, and that's the triumph of Gene Hackman.

If you took every single other character out of this film and replaced 'em with the cast of the Cosby Show (or any other lame sitcom), it would still be a force of nature with Hackman at the wheel.

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23. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

Adam McKay, 2004

This is, simply put, one of the best comedies of this century, and I say that without any hesitation. Up until this film, Will Ferrell was just a smile and a chuckle. This film transformed him into a mustached God for nearly two hours.

For my part, he's never had a better role, and he's never been funnier—the Will Ferrell buck starts and stops with Anchorman. His supporting cast was unbelievable... it was a time before that Steve Carrell guy (who I'm not a fan of, especially after that 40-year Old Virgin horseshit) blew up and sold out. (What was that movie about him with a God beard and a giant ark or something? Whaaa?)

It was also pre-Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill... two human beings I wish would just fade off into the night somewhere and never come back again.

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22. Half Nelson

Ryan Fleck, 2006

Oh man this one gets me every time. I'm a huge Gosling fan, and I believe this is some of his best work. I love the struggle in his eyes, the conflicting expressions on his face and the absolute bat-shit weird desperation in his actions.

His strange relationship to Shareeka Epps' character is both touching and creepy at the same time, and everything from the superb acting to the wonderful soundtrack enhances it. (Epps, by the way, is amazing in this film... why isn't she getting more work??)

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21. Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang

Shane Black, 2005

Two words: Shane. Black.

I love the guy's work; he still holds the record of being the highest paid scriptwriter of the 20th Century, and I might be in the minority here when I say this, but... hell yeah. I love this guy's stuff.

It seems like Black has this weird formula when it comes to his films. He takes a big can full of classic film noir as his base... adds in some comic books, your grandad's corny bubble gum jokes, lots of guns, hot chicks who're extremely empowered and a huge book called, "If you were a badass, this is what you'd say in any given situation to own everybody in the room."

For the first time ever, Black actually directed a film that he wrote. Kiss Kiss is a thrilling, hilarious and wonderfully acted movie that contains all the best elements of a Shane Black script, but on a more personal and low-key level. You can tell that he cradled this bitch like a 3-month old baby. Even though the elements are completely cliché and standard, Black always finds a way to make them different and interesting through his own style.

Plus... this is before Downey Jr. was riding on his Iron Man stardom. This movie happened when he was transitioning from being a total maniac to huge film star, and I love this period in his career. His weird, quirky cadence is the perfect fit for his lame-ass pseudo detective in this film, and his narration is absolutely brilliant. (Plus, a gay Val Kilmer? AWESOME!!!)

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20. 28 Days Later

Danny Boyle, 2002

When I was young (probably in middle school), I had this terrifying reoccurring dream that all my friends and family turned into these ravenous monsters with glowing red eyes. They chased me through my entire school and town until I had to leap off some random cliff (and thankfully woke up before I smashed into the rocks or whatever).

I always thought it may have stemmed from watching the original Invasion of the Body Snatchers and that seriously jacked up episode of The Smurfs where all the Smurfs turn into these vicious, purple, flesh-biting maniacs.

Editor's note: a lot of people think I just dreamed this up, but you can CLICK HERE to see highlights from the all-too-real horrifying episode.

Anyway, I was completely shocked to learn that Danny Boyle apparently had the exact same dream when he was younger... because he basically made my dream in England. This is one of the scariest movies I've personally seen, for just that reason.

A lot of people give it a hard time for the third act, and yes, it's a little shaky. However, on multiple viewings, the weird militia climax doesn't take away from the beautiful paranoia and sheer terror of the first two acts.

While these things are not zombies, it gave zombie movies a new reason to live... and I love that.

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19. Brokeback Mountain

Ang Lee, 2005

I don't have to talk a lot to justify this film being on my list. It's one of the two true love stories among these 25, and this one is definitely the most timeless and tragic. It's wonderfully directed and a true testament to Heath Ledger's dynamic range as an actor. Should have won the Oscar over that Paul Haggis crap. Love this film.

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18. Brick

Rian Johnson, 2005

Some call it pretentious, others hate the concept. For my part, I enjoyed every minute. It could be because I'm a huge Gordon-Levitt fan or it could be because I love the hell out of some weird film noir; I'm not sure. Maybe it's because in some ways, Johnson subconsciously (or purposely, who knows?) borrowed some of Shane Black's tricks.

Before you start slinging mud at the script for making it too incomprehensible or completely ridiculous, I'd urge you to watch some busted movie called Juno. The complex lines coming out of that chick's mouth makes watching this movie like sitting through a few episodes of Sesame Street.

For my part, the cinematography was mean, the acting was fun, the plot was interesting and it kept my eyes glued to the screen the entire time without a break. Eat that for supper.

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17. Lost in Translation

Sofia Coppola, 2003

Is it just me, or was the first decade of this century a complete re-introduction to the magic of Bill Murray? Aside from the Garfield fiasco, his work just kept escalating and growing throughout the past 10 years.

Wes Anderson encased him in gold, Jim Jarmusch* put him in a catapult and launched him over the brilliant bridge and Sofia Coppola used him like a nuclear weapon in this film. The guy has turned into some crazy awesome freak of nature.

Scarlett Johansson did her thing and did it pretty well. However, Anna Ferris gets my "favorite female in this film" award. I really want her "action star" movie poster from her fake film in my living room.

To its core, it's just such an interesting movie. It's amazing how wonderful connections can be formed regardless of age (Half Nelson), sex (Brokeback) or with bloodthirsty, disease-infected, cannibalistic monsters (28 Days Later).

*Two of Jarmusch's films, Broken Flowers and Coffee and Cigarettes narrowly escaped this list. Both of which contain some of my favorite Murray performances. His scene with RZA and GZA in Coffee nearly made my heart stop beating.

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16. There Will Be Blood

Paul Thomas Anderson, 2007

Modern American Masterpiece. Enough said here.

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15. Le Pacte des Loups

Christophe Gans, 2001

The Brotherhood of the Wolf is a decade standout for its romance, amazing imagery, mystery, wonderful characters and super-cool direction. The entire concept is just mind-blowing awesome to me: a mysterious ravenous beast is attacking townspeople in a small French province, and they call in a detective / veteran / warrior / badass scientist and his ass-kicking Native American sidekick to investigate and dominate.

Along the way, they uncover fantastically woven conspiracies and some of the creepiest characters ever... all while kicking the hell out of stuff and battling an unstoppable monster that eviscerates anything that gets in its way.

The idea of pairing a scientist detective with a Native American warrior and placing them in a dreary, disturbingly dark French village against a legendary beast is just flat out awesome. If you haven't seen the film, check the trailer and soak in the style.

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14. Narc

Joe Carnahan, 2002

There's a chase sequence at the beginning of this film that wrecked my life.

In the midst of it, a bystander is shot and another is stabbed with multiple needles filled with smack or heroine. The scene is so incredibly intense that I almost had to pause the DVD to catch my breath.

What struck me is the realism. When the lady is shot, dark blood pours out of her by the gallon... with bubbles of air seeping out like soap suds swirling around on the pavement. The shaky camera work paired with hyper kinetic sounds of gasping for air and heavy breathing made my stomach turn. If you've ever seen a true massive gunshot wound, you know that it looks just like this. (I saw one on one of those Faces of Death movies during a riot... some kid got shot point blank in the stomach with a shotgun and it looked identical to this scene.)

If I wanted to personally make a gritty, intense cop drama about a man struggling to escape an undercover world of the worst possible drugs and drama imaginable... I'd cast Ray Liotta and Jason Patrick and try to direct it just like Joe Carnahan. Spot perfect casting and riveting direction etched this one in my brain with a vengeance.

Plus, Jason Patrick has the best damn mustache EVER in this film. I seriously love that guy... he had me at The Lost Boys.

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13. Punch Drunk Love

Paul Thomas Anderson, 2002

Just wow. The work that Sandler does here is only a side note to the beautiful, pure and timeless love story encased in a complete shit storm of nervousness, high tension and absolute ridiculous paranoia.

Watching this thing unfold is like watching a rampaging bull turned loose in a senior citizens' rest home. The old people would at first be terrified and probably pissing themselves, but then they'd learn to accept the bull... befriend it... settle in to its deadly horns and ultimately fall it love with it... making sweet love to it in the biohazard closet where the orderlies store all the shit-covered blankets.

I'm not sure if that last paragraph really made any sense at all, but you get what I mean. It really is a tornado of emotion and it's just so interesting to see Barry Eagan sucked up into it like a fence post.

Plus... the soundtrack was unreal. The Shelley Duvall song melted my heart into paste and there's a track called "Hands and Feet" by Jon Brion on that thing that will seriously make you want to jump through a plate glass window from aggravated terror.

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12. The Descent

Neil Marshall, 2005

Let's face it guys: this film is one of the most original, well made balls-to-the-wall horror films of the 21st Century. It ended up this high on my list for two distinct reasons:

1. I'm horribly claustrophobic.

2. I love the idea of this strong-willed group of women doing whatever it takes to survive.

I think you could base an entire book of analysis on those two points alone, actually. It breaks so many molds in terms of your typical horror movie formulas while at the same time delivering a classic and traditional scare-fest of awesome. I love every second of this film, and no matter how many times I see it... I always leap out of my seat, cringe at every turned corner and damn near have a panic attack at every trip & fall (or upon hearing the words, "I'm stuck").

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11. Children of Men

Alfonso Cuarón, 2006

I'll save you from reading the 10,000 words I could write about this movie by simply saying, "My good Lord, I don't think I've ever seen anything like that." In my opinion, one of the top science fiction films of the past TWENTY years.

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10. Freestyle: The Art of Rhyme

Kevin Fitzgerald, 2000

One of the most heartfelt, real and unbelievably amazing documentaries I've ever seen. Sure, you get to see some of the best all-time freestylers doing their thing and blowing your mind (like the infamous and unbelievable grudge match battle rap between Supernatural and Craig G!!!!), but you also get a look at the amazing deep culture and philosophies behind this art form.

You'll start to realize that rhyming is magic. It's a fascinating element that can bind together people, races and cultures in a way that nothing else can. It's poetry, it's a way of life and it's freedom of expression in its most raw and powerful venue. And it's all right off the cuff.

While watching this film, make sure you don't have any nails or sharp objects poking through the back of your couch, because you'll lean back in your seat no less than 300 times while screaming, "DAAAAAAMMMN!!!!!"

Yeah, it's that good.

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9. A History of Violence

David Cronenberg, 2005

David Cronenberg broke into my house, stole all my breath, beat the hell out of me and Viggo Mortensen drove the getaway car.

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8. The Incredibles

Brad Bird, 2004

Any die-hard, full-blooded comic book fan will hug Brad Bird for bringing this film to life. You've got fistfuls of comic book lore paired with a James Bond-esque plot and wrapped in this lovable blanket of good family lovin'. Who the hell can resist that kind of thing?

I'll tell you who: evil Nazis and/or emotionless robots.

Jus' sayin'... if you're watching this movie with somebody who doesn't love these kinds of elements, they're not even human, bud. Stab them right away.

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7. Spirited Away

Hayao Miyazaki, 2001

This could be one of my favorite adventure movies of all time. I've never seen anything like it. Not only is it visually stunning and gorgeous to view, but its story completely transformed me into a 10-year-old kid again. Miyazaki is becoming legendary for this kind of thing, but Spirited Away is at the top of my chart.

I really can't think about this film without going through this full range of emotion. I go from complete awe to loneliness to fear to hope to joy to love. It's the kind of movie that makes me tear up from watching it... and I'm damn proud of that fact. If you criticize me for my tears, I will bend a tire iron around your jaw... and that's no jive.

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6. The Dark Knight

Christopher Nolan, 2008

Yeah, it's The Dark Knight. I'm not sure what else I can say here.

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5. The Departed

Martin Scorsese, 2006

Yeah, it's The Departed. I'm not sure what else I can say here.

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4. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy

Peter Jackson, 2001 - 2002 - 2003

Okay, so it could be cheating squeezing three amazing films into one #4 spot, but you can't stop me from doing it. Seriously. What are you really going to do about it? You gonna write me a stern letter? You gonna come over here, smash in my door and wear out the delete button?

Anyway, I keep thinking that this entire Trilogy never actually happened and I dreamed it all up somehow. I mean... really? We actually have three unbelievable Tolkien films that actually happened? Let's face it, these films will be etched in history for a very long time, so I might as well etch all three on my favorite list in one spot.

Because the first question on your stern reprimanding letter to me is "in what order do you rank these movies?" I'll serve up your answer before you can lick the damn stamp.

1. Fellowship of the Ring.

2. The Return of the King.

3. The Two Towers.

Now you can sleep like an angel tonight and save some trees.

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3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Michel Gondry, 2004

I'm not even sure how to handle this movie alone, much less a brief piece of commentary explaining how it ended up at the near top of my list. It's an unbelievable near-perfect (if not pitch perfect) movie in my opinion. Everybody here is at the top of their game and I keep wondering if Kaufman will ever serve up anything as half as amazing as this in his entire career.

This movie is a tidal wave that topples buildings and brains, and I just keep standing out in the rain with no umbrella, waiting to get swept away.

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2. Memento

Christopher Nolan, 2000

I will never forget the feeling of helpless confusion I experienced the first time I saw this film. In a way, it was like learning to walk (or have sex) for the first time. I wish I had a time machine so that I could go back and experience that feeling over and over again.

After you get a grip on it, you'll crave it like a busted, poor-man's James Dean vampire guy craves the delicious flowing blood of some brooding high school chick.

I've seen this film more times than I could ever count, and I swear it gets better and better with each viewing. Nolan and his brother created something extremely special with this one, and it's at the top of the decade for me.

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1. The Accountant

Ray McKinnon, 2001

I know, I know, a lot of you guys haven't seen this one. In 2001, Ray McKinnon wrote and directed a short film with three actors (well, four if you count a three or four second cameo) called The Accountant, and it's stuck with me more than any film in 10 years.

This film takes everything back to the simplest formula ever: good actors, amazing story, fantastic cinematography and wonderful character development & growth. And he does all this amazing work in a little more than 35 minutes.

The tag line for the movie does basically sum up the story:

Can one man—one hard drinking, chain smoking, backwoods accountant, stop a national conspiracy, change the course of history, and save a way of life? It's do-able... but it ain't gonna be purdy.

The O'Dell brothers are at the end of their rope financially and they're about to lose their family farm to the bank. This farm has been in their family for hundreds of years, and now because of some bad financial decisions and the ever-growing threat of vicious and relentless farming corporations, the heart of their family is being completely eradicated.

In their desperation, they turn to The Accountant to turn things around and save not only the O'Dell brothers' farm, but an entire culture. As we learn more and more about the brothers through The Accountant's amazing detective work and superb intelligence, we see the picture getting bigger and bigger for farmers across the nation.

The whole film is shot on a gorgeous homestead in the heart of the South. It looks, feels, sounds and is completely authentically country. I grew up on a dairy farm, and everything about this film feels like home. I've heard it all before.

This filmmaker understands. This guy has been there. This guy has seen this type of thing firsthand and he tells his story so eloquently that you'll feel like you've seen it firsthand as well. Pair that kind of atmosphere with a bold, opinionated, highly intelligent, hard-drinking, hard-smoking maniac accountant who's hell bent on uncovering conspiracies and beating "the man" however he can... and you've got a true experience.

Yes, it's true that this is a short film. I'm not sure that it meets the usual criteria for being on a list that competes with such feature-length monsters as the Lord of the Rings trilogy or The Dark Knight, but its running time didn't stop it from winning an Academy Award for Best Short Film in 2001. This little film is an Oscar winner too... and that should be a testament to the skill, art and good lovin' that went into this movie.

I can't recommend it enough... it will always be one of my most loved films ever made and certainly my favorite film of the last 10 years.

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That should do it for my Top 25 films. Be sure to leave me some comments below. I'd love to hear your thoughts on my ranking or have you leave me some scathing remarks about my picks. Bring the pain.

Happy 2010 readers, let's make it a good one!

National Gang Week!

2009-12-10T21:17:00.012-05:00

Hey blog fans,

McClane here, reporting for duty. Today's show is extra awesome because we're officially celebrating the start of National Gang Week!!! But before all that, let's start at the beginning...

Last night I'm having dinner with my friend Sarah. In the middle of a conversation about how awesome Wonder Woman is and how high she'll rank The Departed on her "Top 25 Films of the Decade" list, she gets a text message.

As it turns out, this could be one of the most important text messages of the entire decade. Without any further explanation, I'm going to copy and paste this text message below without changing or editing any of it. This message is exactly as how she received it:

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FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD: Importance high

Just received this one. Please be aware and be careful...

National Gang Week is starting: This is their New target Method:

While driving on any roads, if you see a baby car seat sitting on the side of the road DO NOT STOP!!!! These are gangs targeting people, especially women, to stop their vehicle to help a baby. They make this baby look as if it has blood on itself or on its clothes, when you get out of your vehicle in attempt to help, the gangs jump out from cornfields or tall bushes. They have beaten women to near death, and then continue to rape them with baseball bats and other torture methods. This is not just a forward of information, it is within our area. If you do happen to see a car seat DO NOT STOP CALL THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY!!! Please send this to everyone you know.

Rita

R. Reed

Correction Central Dispatch

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Here's my take on all this jazz:

National Gang Week is starting.

Yeah, no joke! I'm even more excited about this year's celebration than the big one in 2003. Up until that year, the National Gang Commission denied my charter on the basis that my gang couldn't pass the academic portion of the review. Luckily, the brains of our operation (we call him "Cerebro") rigged up these awesome walkie talkie units to relay all the answers through buttons on our leather jackets.

Now that we're up and going, this year is going to be the best ever. We've just inducted three new members out of the 12 that applied (the other nine guys baled out at three minutes into their five minute beating initiation session), and we just got our new hats back from the embroidery company!

The New Target Method.

At this year's convention back in June, one of the guys from our rival gang, "The Razor Grips" had a pretty laughable idea for this year's target method. This fool wanted to engineer some kind of Wile E. Coyote contraption that would lure in young single women with a photo of Patrick Dempsy. (He also had a rotating photo of a shirtless Matthew McCaughnehey in the mix.) Anyway, apparently when the young woman would come closer to examine the hot photo, some giant boxing glove filled with rocks would fly in from out of nowhere and cold cock the hell out of her.

The idea was sound in its theory, but just didn't seem practical enough to get voted in.

Luckily, some guy named Toothpick came up with the whole baby seat / blood thing, and that's seemed to work out pretty well so far.

A baby in a car seat.

Toothpick's idea was extremely cool, but he didn't consider the awkwardness your average gang member is going to have to endure in the Toys R Us. The 17-year-old chick running register #4 is going to be laughing her ass off when some giant bearded leather-jacket-and-sunglasses-wearing maniac rolls up in there with 15 cabbage patch kids.

Another good choice would be the "You & Me 16-inch Blanket Baby Doll." I could probably see some guy like DMX carrying nine or ten of those things out of there with a few accessories like bottles, extra blankets and cute little pink toboggans.

You also need to have a nice conversation about what type of fake blood would look the best on your fake baby. At first, you might consider going with your basic Hunts ketchup, but that stuff is bad about smelling and drying with a really unrealistic look. I'd advise going with the classic Karo Syrup, red food coloring and a few drops of black food coloring to darken it up. That should really get the gory, sliced-up-baby look you're going for.

Jumping out of cornfields.

Yeah, it seems a little weird at first, but it really does the trick when properly executed. However, all the gangs keep running into this really frustrating brick wall since there are no damn corn fields anywhere right now.

Whoever wrote the manual on this thing must have not taken the winter months into consideration, because it's flippin' December. Sarah said it the best: "All the damn corn is nothing but silage now, man." She's right. It really is.

Anyway, one guy named "Iceman" from this gang called "The Godzilla Skull Destroyers" was a forward thinker. He stole and collected a bunch of corn stalks from Autumn displays back in October.

Editor's note: You know those lame ass fall displays I'm talking about. Why in the hell people put giant bales of hay with dead corn stalks in their front yards is way beyond me.

This week, he'll take all his dead stalks and arrange them in this really nice row in between some dark alley downtown. Between all those stalks and that baby seat, he'll be in business.

Raping women with baseball bats.

Man, no way am I commenting on this one. If you're a woman with a vagina, please feel free to chime in with a comment below.

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Well, now we've unfortunately come to the most disappointing part of the blog post.

Because my curiosity got the best of me, I decided to take a peek at Snopes, the ultimate online resource for debunking urban myths and other random pieces of horseshit that pop up from time to time. Yeah, I couldn't have just left well enough alone... I had to get the truth. In this case, I really wish I'd just stuck to the "keep me dumb, keep me happy" philosophy.

As it turns out, this whole thing is 100% bullshit.

It is interesting, however, that the Tennessee Department of Corrections is noted as being an advocate in disputing this whole saga. (The page was last updated on December 10, the exact day this blog post is being written.)

In closing, I'd urge you guys to steer clear of baby seats on the road anyway. If it's not gangs, it's probably some other evil organization on a rampage or something. It could be terrorists, aliens, bored rednecks, a religious cult or starving mutant groundhogs. Don't look at me for answers, I'm not a roadside sabotage encyclopedia! Go get your library card renewed and find out for yourself, lazy ass.

Calmly gathering rocks for my boxing glove,

-Two Guns McClane

P.S. They call him "Toothpick" 'cause he slips out.

The beginning of a new era!!!

2009-12-04T00:39:00.008-05:00

Readers, you just keep giving me kisses to build a dream on.

Next, on an all-new episode of The Tirade: Captured deep inside enemy headquarters, McClane has no choice but to team up with his arch-enemy hot dog salesman to escape the clutches of Dr. Destructo and his army of radioactive ninjas!!!! Tune in to the next paragraph to find out how he'll make it out of this one!!!

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Sorry suckers, that whole first paragraph was just a clever ruse, and I'm not in anybody's clutches. Take a second here to breathe and relax. Seriously, I'm okay.

Today I plan on taking the Tirade down to a local level. Typically I don't write a whole ton about Knoxville, since I'm still trying to keep my location secret from the biker gang that's been trying to kill me for years. (I accidentally turned their bikes over by awkwardly yawning and stretching out my arms in front of their bar in 1999.)

Yes, guys, I do live in Knoxville now, and I've been taking a ton of Judo classes, in case you plan on meeting me in some back alley behind Market Square.

Anyway, back to the point... somehow... Knoxville has been a pretty fantastic place to live. I've been really blessed to meet some amazing people here and do some amazing things. I really stand up for my city, and I'm proud of the ways it's evolving and changing.

Tonight I stopped by a Chamber of Commerce networking event and met all kinds of interesting people. Man, networking is hilarious! You can wonder through the crowd, literally smash into somebody's back... only to find out that this guy is the president of some awesome company and you've spilled some beer all down the back of his suit. (Luckily the guy grew up on a dairy farm too, so we didn't have to fight outside behind the dumpster. Instead we just swapped some jokes and talked about movies.)

I've been doing freelance design work from my apartment (a.k.a. "The Fortress of Solitude") for the last year, and I've recently realized that working from home has transformed me into a crazy person. I have no idea how this snuck up on me all of a sudden, but one morning I woke up and noticed that I'm going about this life thing all wrong.

I'm a people person. I love people. I love being around 'em, talking to 'em, making fun of 'em and most of all meeting them and getting to know 'em better. Working from my home has been fabulous for freedom... and absolutely horrific for my state of mind. I knew that some changes had to be made and it was time for me to make some adjustments to the status quo.

(Editor's note: yeah, yeah, this IS the most I've written about my personal life on the Tirade since that time I let the cat out of the bag about my cock fighting addiction.)

2010 marks the 10th anniversary of my graphic design career. I want to write another post celebrating the hilarious ups and downs of that journey, so jus' keep a look out. Through the past 10 years I've designed for print. Anything from newspapers and magazines to billboards and brochures, I've created it. Through the years, ink has been my most trusted friend and brutal enemy.

While I'll never fully stop designing for the print media, it's time to make the switch. The 'ole web train is coming... the engine is steaming and I'm tied down to the tracks. Web development is flying towards me like a speeding bullet and I left my bulletproof vest in the truck earlier when I went to check the mail.

So with a ticket for a new design career under my belt, I'm proudly making the announcement that I've taken on the role as Creative Director at a local web development company called Slamdot.

Please take this moment to stand up at your desk, wave your fists around like a baby grabbing at some plastic toy on a string, jump up and down a few times and fire off any awesome celebratory phrase that might come to mind. I know I sure as hell did.

Slamdot is a Knoxville-based company that's been rocking the web hosting and development world since 2005. Owner and Founder Sean Christman has been a wonderful teacher, mentor and friend, and I'm proud to join his team for some pretty amazing upcoming projects. You can visit the current website HERE... and HERE... but our full 100% changed & redesigned site will be going live soon.

We're also breaking new ground in the web development world by doing something that no other business has ever done. This handy copied & pasted press release will tell the tale:

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Slamdot Opens First-Ever Website Retail Store: The Slamdot Store

KNOXVILLE, TN. –Knoxville-based web developer Slamdot has unveiled a first-of-its-kind retail store selling professional web site packages, and offering in-store training and support.

“We think the Slamdot Store is a very dynamic idea, and consider the Knoxville location just the beginning,” said Slamdot founder, Sean Christman. “We’re making professional web sites affordable and streamlining the buying experience, and we think it’s an idea that can spread from our first store.”

Customers talk to a shopping assistant who helps them select the web site package that best fits their needs, and then check out in a traditional retail style environment.

Affordability and ease of purchase in a store setting are huge advantages, he said, “but what happens after that is just as important.”

“The buying experience is just the beginning of the customer’s relationship with Slamdot,” said Christman, who recently earned the Young Entrepreneur of the Year Award from the Knoxville Chamber and accolades nationwide for the web hosting company’s innovative and painless web site management solutions. “It’s not enough to just stick a website in someone’s hands. You’ve got to back it up.”

“So once the sale is complete, we also handle the development of the site, work one-on-one with customers, and provide expertise all along the way,” he said. “Customers have told us that’s what they need. It frees them to get a great website up and running quickly, so they can concentrate on their core business.”

Customers also have opportunities to attend “SlamCamps,” which offer hands-on training on a variety of topics ranging from web hosting and email to social media and Internet marketing.

Slamdot’s exportable business model also includes in-store technical support, enabling customers to bring in their computer or mobile device and receive personalized, one-on-one assistance.

“It’s this thoughtful bundling of products, services and support that makes the Slamdot Store truly unique,” Christman said.

Completing the one-stop shopping idea, Slamdot also provides business-class web hosting starting at $11/month.

Slamdot is opening its first store at 108 South Gay Street in Knoxville, Tennessee, with ceremonies at 4:30 p.m. on Friday, December 4th.

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Besides gladly serving as a personal shopping assistant, I've done every square inch of design for the new downtown store. From the signage on the walls to the boxes that the web packages are sold in... as well as the websites themselves, you can find the McClane mark on the entire space. (And if you lick anything in the store, it'll taste just like me.)

I'll be handling all the custom design work for the new store as well. If a retail package isn't quite what you're looking for, that's where I'll come in. I can help you develop the website of your dreams, basically. And seriously.

However, if you want a website that can make you toast, avenge your father's murder, tame your horses or change the oil in your busted '78 chevy... you're going to have to probably wait a little while so we can get that stuff ironed out. I'm pretty sure they do that kind of thing in Japan all the time, so I'm pretty confident we can make that happen.

Tonight, December 4, 2009, the all-new Slamdot Store will have its massive grand opening in the heart of Downtown Knoxville. If anybody from Knoxville is downtown for First Friday, the Christmas Parade or a random road trip that went awry after turning the wrong way out of the Krystal parking lot... come on down and say hello!!!

Here are a few behind-the-scenes photos of the store and my new office. Don't tell the guys at the store that I posted these before our grand opening... if they ever found out, they might take away my bathroom privileges.

Here's me in the front of the store. Inside each of those boxes is an awesome website, ready for action.

Buying a website is just as easy as buying a new video game off the shelf.

The signage above the shelves displays the final cost of your site. Training, assistance and support are all included in the price with absolutely no hidden fees or charges for labor, etc. (Best deal ever, man.)

Looking down from the loft towards the front door.

In the loft. Where the magic happens.

Stairway to heaven, baby.

These are our transparent offices / consultation hot spots.

My office neighbor, Daniel Monday, doesn't mess around.

The sweet view of the back. Our awesome hang out room, kitchen and kung-fu training area.

The bottom line for my personal life is that I'm back where I've always needed to be: working in a living, breathing city and constantly meeting the awesome people who live here. (Yes, that even means you, crazy drunken homeless man who speaks in tongues and harasses women daily with a claw hammer.)

Hello again, downtown. We were together for nearly three years... we've been apart for a full year now... and now I'm back in your arms again, right where I belong. (Insert snuggling noises here with a soft rendition of George Michael's "Careless Whisper" in the background.)

I'm back. Come say hello!

-McClane

Knock Yourself Out.

2009-12-02T23:37:00.001-05:00

Hello friends,

My theme song for today was this.

Coming atcha later, folks.

With a vengeance.

-Your Pilot Speaking

War Machine much?

2009-11-30T23:52:00.003-05:00

Chew on this one, Don Cheadle.

Original image from yahoo movies.

Celebrity Monday!

2009-11-30T10:53:00.003-05:00

Hey readers, it's Celebrity Monday on the Tirade!!!

I'd like to honestly tell you that every Monday I'll be talking about the latest in hot celebrity news, gossip and events, but that's the most idiotic shit I've ever heard in my life.

No, I just have two quick points to make on this November-Rain-Ridden Monday.

1. TIGER WOODS.

Come on, media. Seriously? The guy felt like hitting a tree with his car. Back the hell off. This is one of those times when being a celebrity really sucks. Actually, to say that more accurately, this is probably the 1,495,245th reason why being a celebrity sucks.

I know how he feels, really. One time I backed my truck up into a giant concrete hand rail at the Yellow House in college. The concrete dented the hell out of my bumper, and it seemed the cops and local newspapers were there in seconds. Jared McClane and I had to make up some big story about me slipping on the clutch while on our way to feed the homeless to protect myself from the REAL truth. (We were carrying in a bunch of cases of Natural Light and I accidentally smashed into the stairs while trying to get the truck as close as I could to the door because we were lazy and also some chicks drove by waving.)

Anyway, who cares what the guy was doing? He could have been doing anything from sleepwalking to mindlessly doing his mad-scientist-master's evil bidding.

Everybody knows how those mad scientist guys plant tiny robot chips inside people's brains that force them into doing all kinds of stuff against their will. What do you think actually caused Margot Kidder's incident? You think Eddie Murphy actually likes getting it on with transvestites? You think Hugh Grant actually enjoyed hooking it up with prostitutes? You think that Nick Nolte's amazing mug shot was all his fault? (Well. You know.)

Bottom line: the guy doesn't have to explain a damn thing.

CNN: Shouldn't you have some Jessica Simpson stories to cover?

2. LUKE WILSON

Man, I just caught some cell phone commercial this weekend that had Luke Wilson throwing a bunch of crap on some giant map of America. I guess he was talking about how many places you can call or something.

Editor's note: I guess it's important that you have the ability to call the furthest reaches of Alaska, Hawaii or space with your cell phone, but how much bearing does that really have on you when it comes time to renew some contract? I guess it's pretty important, according to the business guys and Luke Wilson. I personally loathe cell phones and I hate text messages even more... but if some sales guy told me that I'd have the ability to call any given location in the entire nation from Maine to Southern California, I'd totally buy the service and call every possible human being I could. (That includes you, Hermit Johnson. Now with this new Luke Wilson cell phone plan, I can even reach you in the furthest regions of your cave deep in the cracks of the ice-cold Rocky Mountains. I'll look forward to our phone conversation tomorrow about last week's episode of Desperate Housewives.)

Anyway, you gotta wonder why Luke Wilson is fat now, right? Man, the guy looks really rough! Typically I don't care about this type of thing, but I've always identified with Wilson's skinny ass and slightly whining cadence. Now the cadence is still there, but the thinness skipped town with his dignity for doing a cell phone commercial.

Yeah, yeah, I know it's shallow, sure. But, dammit, Wilson has been a life-long man crush for me and this kind of thing is really disappointing. I equate it to the nightmarish feeling of confusion that would follow seeing Chris Farley or John Candy appear on a cell phone commercial looking 155 pounds. Damn I miss those guys.

Anyway, that should wrap up Celebrity Monday on the Tirade. I don't think I accomplished anything or made any coherent points... but, by God, it's America. Here in America, we have the right to completely obsess over celebrities and subconsciously act like total narcissistic idiots when discussing their personal lives.

May the wings of liberty never lose a feather,

-McClane

Vanish

2009-11-28T15:48:00.003-05:00

Ah yeah, what's shakin' Tirade fans and total strangers who might have found this blog by mistakingly looking for a Die Hard fan club,

The real McClane here with a non-apologetic plug. I just finished reading the best magazine article I've ever read in my life.

Writer Evan Ratliff wrote a fantastic piece in the September 2009 edition of WIRED magazine about men and women who've attempted to disappear completely and start new lives, and the stories behind their adventures and eventual busts.

After doing the research, studying past stories and learning everything he could about it... this crazy bastard decides to try it out for himself. Evan Ratliff disappeared on August 13, 2009 and WIRED magazine offered $5,000 to whoever could track this guy down. Using any means necessary to find him, an entire nation started stalking this writer as he made his way across the country and back again.

This is the story behind his disappearance, his hunters and his first-person adventures along the way. Ratliff's disguises, fake-outs, red herrings and switch-ups are even more awesome than that time Harrison Ford went on that one-armed-man-hunting rampage.

This story gets my highest possible recommendation.

You can find the first article by Ratliff from the September 2009 issue HERE.

You can read the entire story by clicking right HERE.

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Then, as a bonus, WIRED magazine goes further to provide these amazing other pieces to the story:

You can see all the press and media that got involved HERE.

You can see all the social media sources & hunters that contributed to the chase HERE.

You can read stories from the most prominent hunters HERE.

You can view an image gallery of all of Ratliff's disguises HERE.

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Finally, I guess a lot of people have wondered why Ratliff didn't just go completely off the grid and vanish entirely into mist or smoke or something like a scene from a Billy Ocean video.

It would be no problem to just uproot your life and go live in some cabin in Colorado like a creepy loser hermit guy, sure. If Ratliff had felt like pulling a Jeremiah Johnson and vanishing into some woods, WIRED readers wouldn't have stood a chance. CLICK HERE to learn from the editors at WIRED why Ratliff did it the way he did it. Absolutely amazing stuff.

So if you've ever dreamt of kissing your life goodbye in lieu of a shiny new life full of possibilities and wonderment, consult this story before you dye your hair and hop on some Greyhound bus across the nation.

Unless, of course, you have your sights set on living off the land in some wilderness campground with a pet bear. I would hope the reasons behind this would be an alien attack on major cities, unstoppable zombie outbreak or being a total loser with a flesh-eating disease. If that's the case, don't forget your big ass backpack full of canned beans and salted pork, bud. Happy trails.

Disappearing from your sights but not your hearts,

-The REAL McClane

Happy Thanksgiving! Yaaaaayyyyyy!!!!

2009-11-23T16:54:00.003-05:00

Hey Thanksgiving lovers!

This video was yanked right off Landline TV, courtesy of my man Joe Powell. Go visit Joe's blog right now , or he'll sneak into your room late at night, trick you into giving away all your land and infect you with Small Pox.

Now enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving message, brought to you by adorable children:

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday!

Muah.

-M